GOP Jesus

Submitted by: skeeter01 2 months ago in Funny


The teachings of Jesus, revised for Republicans.
There are 57 comments:
Male 121
Lol legitimately funny whether you agree or not.
1
Reply
Male 9,692
GOP 32:12 For I was hungry and you cut food stamps, I was a stranger and you deported me, for I was sick and you denied me healthcare.
5
Reply
171
normalfreak2 GOP 32:15 Behold, the miracle of the fish and bread, where I multiplied it into a bounty for the masses, then gave it all to the 1% so it could trickle down to the non-contributing takers. 


GOP 32:18 Some people say, ‘You shall not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully - just start kissing them. It's like a magnet. Just kiss. I don't even wait. And when you're a star or the Son of God, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab 'em by the pussy. You can do anything.


GOP 32:22 If a man strikes you, Turn the other cheek if you're not white or we will label your entire race or religion as evil and drop bombs on your hospitals and schools... If you are white, however, pick up thy AR-15 and murder indiscriminately and we shall ask how video games and mental illness drove thee to this.


GOP 32:33 Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's, pay thy taxes, unless you are super rich, then thou shalt have loop holes aplenty and pay none.


GOP 32:40 - Sermon on the Mount
Blessed are the poor, for they can pay your taxes


Blessed are those who mourn, for they can be sold anti-depressant pharmaceuticals


Blessed are the meek, for their mortgages can be foreclosed and their homes sold for massive profits, and they can't afford lawyers to fight it


Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for upon them the Bible can be used to justify white supremacist dogma.


Blessed are the pure in heart, for they won't complain too much as we remove their healthcare


Blessed are the Peacekeepers, for we have labelled them as unAmerican snowflakes


Blessed are those who are persecuted, for they have been labelled rapists, murderers, thieves and terrorists


Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you, because you're a dumb-ass foreigner and shouldn't be watching Fox News in the first place, now get back across the border!

1
Reply
3,688
'Do not kill, do not steal, do not rape. These are principals of every man of every faith can get behind'

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TBLgTBpW4zs

That face when when you can't get behind Remington and Beretta, you Just own Mossy 500's and Walthers instead. 
0
Reply
7,050
skypirate rapings not a sin in the Bible
0
Reply
Male 7,614
dm2754  unless it is a betroved virgin pledged    to another man  
1
Reply
Female 999
Yeah, one of the many reasons I'm no longer a Conservative or a Christian.
4
Reply
171
thubanstar You deserve a ton of credit. So few make it out of the cult. And leaving Christianity is probably a good thing too.
0
Reply
7,050
It's the same religion that says women shut up and mind their place. And that homosexuals and zoophiles should be stoned to death. After all this the same thing right. And that you shouldn't tell unless it's someone of another religion because it's okay to kill them because they're not really people. And slavery is okay as long as you let them go after 20 years
0
Reply
Male 965
dm2754 Eternal slavery is more your thing? Sacrificing your Child to Moloch no problem?
-2
Reply
7,050
7eggert but if you're one of his favorites will give you a sheep instead
0
Reply
Male 965
dm2754 And by doing so, human sacrifice was known to be against His will.
0
Reply
Male 13,432
7eggert I would never worship an entity that would eternally enslave someone. Your god is petty, vicious, and evil.
2
Reply
Male 965
holygod Hedonism is being enslaved to your impulses and desires. Only by giving yourself a law you commit an act of freedom.

-- Immanuel Kant
0
Reply
Male 13,432
7eggert Hedonism is the pursuit of pleasure. I'm a good person because that gives me pleasure. I have never cheated on my wife because that gives me pleasure. I volunteer with homeless kids because that gives me pleasure. I try to be kind, considerate, and helpful to my fellow man because that gives me pleasure. 

Hedonism doesn't mean you have to be an asshole.
1
Reply
Male 13,432
dm2754 This is not about the bible. This is just about Jesus. Try to stay on topic.
1
Reply
7,050
holygod once again you seem confused about things beyond your understanding. In several religions they are the same . This also illustrates why there's no point in talking to you 
-5
Reply
Male 13,432
dm2754 There are lots of things beyond my understanding, rest assured none of them are grasped by you.

"In several religions they are the same."

They as in Jesus and the Bible are the same? Everything you listed in your first comment is from the first book, thousands of years before Jesus showed up.

I'm all for shitting on the vile ridiculousness of religion, just try to stay on topic. 
1
Reply
7,050
holygod explain something for me. What is it in your life that makes you feel so empty? What lonely whole are you trying to fill ? There must be something for you to seek out my attention on a regular basis. I must be the closest thing you have to a friend. I guess I shouldn't be so hard on you and show you the pity you deserve.          
-6
Reply
Male 13,432
dm2754 I'm working and I'm bored so I'm fucking around on a site. I need a "whole" for that? Aren't we all just here because we are bored?

I don't seek out attention from you specifically. I just like calling out stupid comments. Now that I don't engage with monk you just happen to have the plurality of stupid comments on IAB.

I'm young, healthy, and happy. I have 3 terrific kids and my beautiful, smart, and funny wife is pregnant and about to graduate medical school. I'm self employed and make well over 6 figures doing a job I love that I've wanted to do since I was 10. I own a beautiful home and am in the process of building a second home in Hawaii. But by all means, send me your pity. I need it.

If you are going to try to make me feel bad about my life you'll have to try much, much, MUCH harder.
1
Reply
Male 1,213
holygod Just being nosy here, what's your job?
0
Reply
Male 13,432
mrteatime No worries at all mate. I'm pretty open about myself on here. I'm a graphic artist as my main profession. I have a few side businesses as well.
0
Reply
Male 1,213
holygod Cool, I can't imagine it was easy to break into that and sustain a living. What sort of artwork do you do?
0
Reply
Male 13,432
mrteatime Motion graphics, logos, vector illustration, marketing and advertising, etc.
0
Reply
Male 1,213
holygod Cool. I dabble in a bit of drawing and some old school stuff with paints and pencils. I do mess about with photo shop a fair bit, mainly photo restoration and mashing together various images to create backdrops and sci-fi like scenes. I'm thinking of taking up the photo restoration as a wee sideline.
0
Reply
7,050
holygod yeah there's no point in explaining it to you you prefer to remain ignorant. Assuming you can't learn something from someone else because you think you know everything is the epitome of stupidity. I've said it before you're dumber than a bag of dicks.
This is probably the simplest way I can put it for your retarded brain. God and Jesus are the same person
-5
Reply
Male 2,345
dm2754 I would not presume to speak for holygod, but I don't think that I could learn much from someone who thinks "dumber than a bag of dicks" is a clever riposte.
1
Reply
Male 13,432
semichisam01 He also think it is perfectly fine to fuck a donkey or a horse, along with a whole laundry list of additional reasons why it would be impossible for his opinion of me to matter to me any less.
0
Reply
7,050
semichisam01 wasn't trying to be clever. I was trying to be as technical as possible.
But even you considered the fact that is possible to learn something from anyone.
I've learned a lot of things from the various jackasses here but then again I'm open to new ideas and points of view.
-2
Reply
Male 918
dm2754 wasn't trying to be clever.

Well, mission accomplished.
1
Reply
Male 2,345
dm2754 "wasn't trying to be clever. I was trying to be as technical as possible."
Oh, horseshit. Not only were you trying for a clever insult, but the pull quote I opened with here was another attempt. When a joke fails, the joke fails. You can't raise the dead.
And yes, it is absolutely possible to learn from anyone, but that is a virtue of the student, and not the instructor.
1
Reply
Male 13,432
dm2754 If you are actively trying not to be clever you are exceedingly good at it. In fact I don't think you've done it once that I've seen, not even by mistake.
0
Reply
Male 13,432
dm2754 I've asked others before, but I'm always curious, where do you derive your sense of intellectual superiority from? Is there any accomplishment, assessment, or outside perspective that leads you to believe this?

I don't think I can't learn from others and I don't think I'm smarter than everyone. I do think I can't learn from you and I do know I'm smarter than you. I can tell you that.

You are vaguely coherent at best and I mean this in all sincerity, I think you may be the dumbest mother fucker on this site. You calling me stupid is akin to a midget calling me short.
1
Reply
7,050
holygod I feel sorry for you. You have my sympathies
-3
Reply
Male 7,614
dm2754  just worship  the King In Yellow   
2
Reply
Male 5,891
1
Reply
Male 13,432
dm2754 That is about the number of accomplishments I expected you to have.
0
Reply
7,050
holygod you're so sad. I'll pray for you.
-2
Reply
Male 6,503
dm2754 What/who are you? In one post you write like you don't have any grasp of the English language and in another you speak fluently as if you've known English your whole life. In one post you fiercely oppose religion and in another you say, "I'll pray for you." Are you a sock puppet who keeps forgetting which user you're currently logged in as? Are you multiple people using one account? Or do you just not care what you say as long as it ends with you in a fight with someone?
1
Reply
Male 5,891
markust OH YAY!  THERE HE IS!!!  How's life treating you?
0
Reply
Male 6,503
Hi, kalron. Life is treating me real well. I'm happy, healthy and keeping a positive outlook. This was just a quick pop in. Maybe I'll see you guys down the road.
2
Reply
Male 4,559
markust I would say he just likes to fight.

One time he started fighting with me even though we were agreeing on things.
1
Reply
Male 13,432
markust Hey homie. How you been? Were you on an IAB vacation?

Don't sweat him. He's just a miserable piece of shit who has nothing better to do with his life than try to upset strangers on the internet.
0
Reply
Male 6,503
holygod, "Were you on an IAB vacation?"

I experienced a weird bit of hostility where there should have been none. It made me question a lot of things. This break has been productive. It's given me time to really dive into the research for my next book.
1
Reply
Male 13,432
It is kind of amazing how those who purport to be the most Christian can tend to align themselves with the party whose principles are most contrary to Jesus's teachings.

Hate to break it to you guys, but if Jesus were alive today he'd be voting Democrat.
3
Reply
Male 2,345
holygod "... if Jesus were alive today he'd be voting Democrat."

I wouldn't disagree with the thinking behind that statement, but I hope we can all agree that it isn't that simple. Assuming that Jesus exists, and is as advertised, it seems likely that he would have voted a straight Democratic Party ticket in the recent election, for the same reason he went postal with the money changers in the Temple.
They've forgotten the reality underlying their raison d'etre and become something that anyone should despise. 

But the underlying philosophy behind Conservatism is every bit as valid as that behind Progressivism, and is as likely to turn into something that no longer upholds its own philosophy. I believe that the Jesus of my current assumption would call himself a Progressive, but he would vote for a caring, intelligent Republican over a foolish or venal Democrat. 

We need each other: as sounding boards; as mirrors, even if we're funhouse mirrors; as foils and as competitors. The Republican Party is made of people, and we people aren't very good at this self-governing thing yet. Just as loving parents love their wayward children, Republicans love their wayward party. But a loving parent may turn an out-of-control child over to the authorities, with sorrow, but with resolve. 

The Republican Party will get back on track, and be a worthy opponent again, or it will join the forgotten parties of history.
0
Reply
171
semichisam01 It is a minor issue, but I would somewhat agree.

Jesus was a Liberal (If we are labeling things). Lincoln was a Liberal (Though he belonged to the Republican Party). 

As you defined, Liberalism is the opposite of Conservatism, in that it hopes and strives to PROGRESS society forward to be inclusive and care for all, not just the majority's desire to cling to old, outdated, harmful, sometimes hateful traditions.

In the time of Lincoln, the Republicans were more Liberal.

Today, Democratic Socialists most embody the teachings and actions of Christ as laid out in the Bible. Not claiming any truth to the man existing, but I will say he makes an excellent Democratic Socialist candidate. 

Today, the only party that would welcome a man like Jesus in America is the Democratic Party. Fox News and the Republicans would crucify him, for lack of a better term.

So I don't see anything wrong with saying he'd vote Democrat.
0
Reply
Male 7,614
todd_dirks  Lincoln was a moderate
0
Reply
171
thezigrat When the Republican Party was formed in 1856, it was fiercely liberal, opposing the expansion of slavery, calling for more spending on public education, seeking more open immigration and the like. Compassionate Abraham Lincoln suited the new party's progressive agenda.

Abraham Lincoln was as Liberal as they come back then, and he wouldn't even fit in today's Republican party. 
0
Reply