Fact: The Internet is where terrible people meet to exchange terrible ideas, terrible pictures, terrible stories, and terrible products. Fact: Amazon.com is the leading online purveyor of just about anything. Hypothesis: Amazon.com must have a dark and vaguely urine-scented underbelly filled with the dregs of consumer culture. Let's see what we can dig up.
Nicolas Cage Pillowcase - $13.99
Perfect if you're intent on trapping yourself in a Cage. Fun fact: this inanimate pillowcase won more Oscars than The Wicker Man.
Pup-A-Razzi Silver Screen Starlet Dog Costume - $21.29
Aside from the inherently evil practice of dressing up animals as people, nobody should ever be in a position where they can check out your dog's boobs.
1,500 Ladybugs - $11.08
One lady bug landing on you randomly is good luck. 1,500 in an egg drop soup container is f*cking creepy. (But good for your garden)
Obama Toilet Paper - $6.18
Politics aside, you're barely getting two ply here, which should be illegal in and of itself.
Inflatable Party Sheep - $27.99
"Perfect gift for that upcoming bachelor party, birthday, retirement, or fraternity party. Of course, you could also get a Party Sheep for personal reasons. These party sheep are not anatomically correct!" Personal reasons. Personal reasons. PERSONAL REASONS.
Unicorn & Dolphin Sex Double-Sided Cigarette Case - $13.99
Nothing says "I want to express my irreverent feelings towards smoking" like a cigarette case with a unicorn and a dolphin engaged in graphic interspecies relations. It's beautiful in a way, but also not beautiful in many more ways.
Coyote Urine - $10.12
Uniquely formulated to repel pesky animals, nagging girlfriends, and overbearing wives. Become your very own fortress of solitude for just ten dollars and twelve cents.
Video Head Cleaner - $10.95
Some dingus huffed this years ago and now 12th graders nationwide are committing braincell genocide. They're essentially poppers. Fully dumb.
55 Gallons of Lube - $909
By itself, 55 gallons of lube isn't really that offensive, but it does raise a lot of valid questions. Mainly: what kind of life are you living where one gallon of lubrication isn't enough? Wait, please don't tell us. Gross.
Confederate Flag - $4.79
If you're publicly flying this flag in the year 2014, there's an exceptionally high probability that you don't own any sleeves. And FYI, she definitely is your first cousin. We checked. (You could also just be proud of your southern roots, you decide and let us know)
Five Two Dollar Bills - $12.99
That's right! For the low price of $12.99, you can be the proud owner of... ten dollars. Sh*t.
Party In The Tub - $12.09
Because your kid is never too young to start getting ready for the club.
Cookin' With Coolio - $11.55
With chapter names like "Appetizers For That Ass" and "Salad-Eatin' Bitches." The whole thing seems super iffy. As would most activities involving Coolio.
Synthetic Weed - $3.25
It's technically called "Marshmallow Root," which when you think about it makes zero sense. Just stick to your buddy's roommate's friend's stash, no need to dabble with this crap. Just say no.
Haribo Classic Sugar Free Gummy Bears - $120
From the reviews: "What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw." Rumor has it that there's a special chapter in the Geneva convention that details how illegal it is to feed these to prisoners of war.
Full Body Spandex Suit - $19.95
The person who owns the factory that makes these things should be medievally tortured till he promises to never, ever make them again.
Engagement Rings - $Variable
You know what's worse than Jared? Amazon.
Chest Plate - $9.97
"Oh these ribbed abs and diamond-hard nipples? Damn right they're real. Can I take my shirt off? No way, babe. It's freezing in this sauna."
Uranium Ore - $39.95
Thank goodness Kim Jong Un doesn't have access to the Internet.
German WWII SS Allgemeine Officer Visor Cap - $54.95
So much nope. Even for Halloween one giant Nazi nope.
SOME OF THE FOLLOWING ITEMS ARE NSFW
SOME ARE CONSIDERED 18+
YOU'VE BEEN WARNED
IF YOU'RE STILL GOING YOU ARE A PERV
Milked by Force Erotic Fiction Novel (NSFW)- $9.99
"Carly never expected to become a human bovine, milked and allowed to graze. Then Lindstrom Lactation Laboratories paid her a thousand dollars to become their human bovine for a week. She was treated with Milkdown X, a special formula which made her lactate... and become so sensitive that milking drove her wild with desire." DEAR GOD WORLD WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.
Face Training Mask - Currently Unavailable
This mask trains the unused muscles of the face to reduce signs of aging. How exactly it works is beyond us, though this one review seals it as something we need: "My face can do a lot of fun tricks. However, half of it only wants to play dead. Does anyone else smell something burning?"
Tattoo Removal Laser - $49.99
Pro tip: if you don't have the skill set to avoid getting a tattoo in the first place, chances are you're ill equipped to personally burn said tattoo off your lower back using a laser beam. Put your Discover card down, Dr. Evil.
Sex Stool - $64.43
NSFW NSFW NSFW NSFW NSFW. Though when it's paired with the 55 gallons of lube? Perfect.
The Purrfect DVD Cat Entertainment Video - $14.95
This blows all other crazy cat-lady accessories out of the water. It's a DVD for cats as in, someone produced and edited a movie for cats to watch. By our accounts: if it's not a moving red dot, your cat is bored.