Monday, April 19, 2004 12:04:42 AM
56. Find a plastic drinking straw in the back of your silverware drawer. Using the straw, a roll of packing tape, and thumbtacks, fashion a nostril-sized attachment for the vacuum cleaner. Plug in the Hoover and insert the rig into your right nostril. Prepare to turn on the Hoover. With your finger hovering over the power button, consider that, although you have had the occasional stroke of genius in your life, this might not qualify as one of them. Cringe as you picture your mom at your funeral, forced to explain between sobs that everything in your skull got sucked into the vacuum bag and the side of your head collapsed inwards like a broken volleyball. Remove the straw from your nostril, take the rig apart, and put the Hoover away.