How Does Submissive Sex Work in the Age of #MeToo?

Submitted by: trimble 3 months ago in News & Politics


Do secret desires make a woman a traitor to #MeToo and what it stands for?

An excerpt from the New York Times:

Like all of us in the throes of #MeToo, I have been taking rigorous inventory of my sexual history, rolling back the tape on past highs and lows: the disturbing teenage experiences no longer chalked up to miscommunication, those times I gave in because it was easier, some unwanted advance successfully fended off.

And then there are the memories of being brusquely, and without permission, pushed up against a wall — and loving it. In fact, those were the steamiest moments I could recall. I wondered if I would ever experience such an unscripted embrace again — and then immediately worried: Did my secret desires make me a traitor to #MeToo and what it stands for?

No, according to Michaela Boehm, a sex and intimacy therapist and psychologist; they make me pretty normal.

Her 25 years as a counselor have taught her what many women and men privately know, but are now too afraid to admit — the same truth that the success of “Fifty Shades of Grey” tells: Many women like to be dominated in bed. “Not in their lifestyle, not in their career, but in the bedroom, many women would like to surrender,” Dr. Boehm said. This may explain why, on Amazon’s list of best-selling erotica — a medium that, unlike pornography, is mostly produced and enjoyed by women — themes of male dominance tend to, well, dominate.

Theories differ on whether this preference is a result of societal norms or biology or both. But it’s interesting to note that separate researchconducted by the sexologists Meredith Chivers and Marta Meanasupports the idea that biology plays a supporting role. Moreover, a 2009 study by Patricia H. Hawley at the University of Kansas found that the more socially dominant a woman was, the more likely she was to enjoy fantasies of sexual submission.

The last thing a woman wants to be worrying about while in the heat of the moment is whether her arousal is an expression of her own distinct eroticism or a symptom of patriarchal oppression. Yet, in the #MeToo landscape, many 30-and-under women and men — including me — are finding it harder to untease the two as we navigate dating and fledgling relationships. In a surprising twist, what began as a very public airing of powerful men’s sexual misconduct has come to cast a certain sinister pall over private intimacies that once seemed perfectly O.K. to enjoy.

“After being exposed to so many accounts of different women’s sexual abuse or harassment, I was hyper-aware and hyper-sensitive about it,” said Jessica Tallarico, 30, of Toronto, a newly engaged friend of mine. “So on one occasion, playing around affectionately in bed, my fiancé got the tiniest bit rough and I had such an adverse reaction to what would normally be playful. Adverse as in, I became defensive, flooded with a bit of fear.

“This felt so strange to me because it happened with my partner who I love and trust immensely, and he did nothing wrong or really that out of the ordinary.”

This winter, around the time that The New Yorker published “Cat Person” and Babe.net published the Aziz Ansari takedown, #MeToo grew to include a conversation on good sex: what it is; who, historically, has been allowed to have it (hint: not the people with vaginas); and how we can have more of it. It’s an important, albeit privileged, conversation, but it’s also one that tends to ignore certain messy truths about sex — the fickleness and wide variability of female desire, for instance, or the inconvenient fact that good sex often defies logic, political values and social mores.
There are 19 comments:
Male 42,981
Pound Me Too movement is one of those things politicians don't dare disagree with or they are out of office for "waging a war on women".
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Male 108
i believe the need for a woman to be "dominated in the bedroom" is far more common in the US then with women from other cultures.  Most US women i have met will not admit that they are suppress their sexual desires.  So having "forced" sex relieves a woman of the burden of being actively sexual.
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Male 138
We have all seen the meme... All these women wanting a 50 shades of grey sex life but can't even take a finger in the ass...
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Male 42,981
just2talk    Try sticking a finger up a straight mans ass ..... then run
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Male 2,315
Gerry1of1   Your assuming that its another man? 
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Male 42,981
casaledana   My son would jump just as high if his wife's finger boldly went where no one had gone before.
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Female 5,557
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Male 276

#FeminismIsCancer

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Male 1,767
the question belies a complete misunderstanding of human sexuality.  The whole "metoo" thing is a woman's public persona, and how she wishes to be seen both in her public and professional life.  Being a sexual submissive....is what happens behind closed doors.  She can shed that power persona, and be more herself.


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Female 5,557
spanz actually the 'submissive' has the power.
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Male 1,767
spanz and then too there is the "Switch" preference, where sometimes she wants to be submissive, and other times to be the Domme.
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Male 2,086
Wait, you mean people's preferences and emotions are on a wide spectrum and consent is complicated?

Say it ain't so.
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Male 852
bliznik Consent it not complicated.  Boring and not sexy, but not complicated.  If someone wants to be able to say "No" and mean "yes" then they need to have a conversation and a safe word.
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Male 2,086
muert Maybe I should amend the statement to "situations surrounding consent" can be complicated

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Male 4,949
muert Agreed, it's not complicated. You just need a good pick-up line. I usually go with "Don't scream and nobody will get hurt".
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Male 558
Just stay poor and low profile.  Those folks don't get sued.
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Male 226
I don't get it. BDSM is based on mutual respect and trust. The last people on earth to be found sexually oppressed or abused are those who practice sex with total devotion to your partner. 

(Just to clarify, "50 shades of Grey" is the biggest crap ever written about BDSM. The movie/books should be two sentences long.
-Do you like BDSM?
-No.
The End.)
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Male 16,967
You gave Rex Tillerson a sock! Rexxie is FREE!
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Male 9,575
Strangely enough, the vast majority of people manage to have a satisfying sex life of their own design and mutually agreed upon without wondering what SJW's, Westboro Baptist or the #metoo movement have to say about it.

(BTW...some people should have told the #metoo's that us old farts read that as 'Pound Me Too'...not a very well thought out campaign.)

But, seeing how this generation is handling it, I'm pretty sure that the next generation may be our last, as no one will be allowed to have sex without a Contract for Consensual Sexual Relations signed, notarized in triplicate, sent in, sent back, lost, found, queried, subjected to public inquiry, lost again, and finally buried in soft peat for three months and recycled as firelighter, which also includes a three day waiting period and background check.
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