A PUBLIC APOLOGY
It is with a heavy heart that I write this public letter, but it must be written.
The recent stories of IAB'ers who have had their ankles enthusiastically--albeit briefly--humped by me in the past are true.
Humping the ankles of humans is a common practice in the squirrel community, but I fully understand that is no excuse. Unfortunately, this behavior of mine has occurred so often that I am unable to recall all the incidents of ankle-humping. But please know that I am filled with shame when I reflect on those I have wronged.
This partial list of those I have wronged, inadequate though it is, is just a first step in my attempts to acknowledge the hurt I have cause and strive to become a better squirrel.
- Fancylad: I want to make it clear that he never made me hump his ankle; it was a liberty I took of my own accord.
- HolyGod: As I remember, he laughed and said something like, "What the fuck?"
- Madduck: It was always extra fun when she was wearing her Wellingtons.
- MelCervini: I... I had the impression that she wanted it, but that may be my sickness talking.
- NormalFreak2: I'll admit that sometimes I even humped his ankle while he was sleeping.
- PinkMinx22: I... I have a thing for nurses. I'm sorry. This is very difficult.
- CrakrJak: Before his disappearance, I managed to get in one energetic ankle-humping. If you're reading this Crakr, I'm sorry. Come back.
- Gerry1of1: If you saw how humpable his ankles are, you too-- I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Clearly, the road to recovery is filled with setbacks.
- Kalron27: On at least one occasion when he was feeding me black oil sunflower seeds, I violated his ankle in a brief spasm of lust. I could not help myself.
- Scheckydamon: Several months ago, I stood beside a tall milkshake and exposed my junk to Shecky before donning a fig leaf. It was very "rapey" of me and I regret my actions. The milkshake was delicious, by the way.
To all of you above--and to other IAB'ers who have not yet come forward--I offer my deepest apologies and regrets.
Horatio Q. Squrlz