Squrlz Offers Public Apology In Wake Of IAB Sex Scandal

Submitted by: squrlz4ever 3 weeks ago in Lifestyle News & Politics

A PUBLIC APOLOGY

It is with a heavy heart that I write this public letter, but it must be written.

The recent stories of IAB'ers who have had their ankles enthusiastically--albeit briefly--humped by me in the past are true.

Humping the ankles of humans is a common practice in the squirrel community, but I fully understand that is no excuse. Unfortunately, this behavior of mine has occurred so often that I am unable to recall all the incidents of ankle-humping. But please know that I am filled with shame when I reflect on those I have wronged.

This partial list of those I have wronged, inadequate though it is, is just a first step in my attempts to acknowledge the hurt I have cause and strive to become a better squirrel.

  • Fancylad: I want to make it clear that he never made me hump his ankle; it was a liberty I took of my own accord.
  • HolyGod: As I remember, he laughed and said something like, "What the fuck?"
  • Madduck: It was always extra fun when she was wearing her Wellingtons.
  • MelCervini: I... I had the impression that she wanted it, but that may be my sickness talking.
  • NormalFreak2: I'll admit that sometimes I even humped his ankle while he was sleeping.
  • PinkMinx22: I... I have a thing for nurses. I'm sorry. This is very difficult.
  • CrakrJak: Before his disappearance, I managed to get in one energetic ankle-humping. If you're reading this Crakr, I'm sorry. Come back.
  • Gerry1of1: If you saw how humpable his ankles are, you too-- I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Clearly, the road to recovery is filled with setbacks.
  • Kalron27: On at least one occasion when he was feeding me black oil sunflower seeds, I violated his ankle in a brief spasm of lust. I could not help myself.
  • Scheckydamon: Several months ago, I stood beside a tall milkshake and exposed my junk to Shecky before donning a fig leaf. It was very "rapey" of me and I regret my actions. The milkshake was delicious, by the way.

To all of you above--and to other IAB'ers who have not yet come forward--I offer my deepest apologies and regrets.

Horatio Q. Squrlz
There are 34 comments:
Female 36
Don't be so hard on yourself  squrlz4ever, squirrels gotta do what a squirrel gotta do
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Male 2,718
Woke up after passed out in the woods last week.  (what a bender)  Ankle was sticky as hell.  Now I read this!  Hummm.........( taps forehead  in contemplation)
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Female 1
I think  just a first step in your attempts to acknowledge the hurt you have cause...
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Male 53
I always kind of figured. Squirrels are always trying to get a nut...
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Male 3,822
it was always consensual between me and squirlz, i still remember that night in paris. magical
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Male 3,822
he loves nuts.
are we shocked no.
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Male 2,246
I love it when my dog chases him off.....
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Male 1,029
Squrlz wishes he was seven inches . . .
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Female 1,265
It’s okay Squirlz..I forgive you. I‎t was just that one time deal and well..Nurses are a pretty sexy bunch...Heeelllloooooo!!Nurse.
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Female 4,656
As I recall, I was wearing heels that day.  Sorry to make you work for it, dude.  ;)
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Male 1,029
I hate not being able to move during daylight.

But that does explain the constant whif of acorn oil I always smell when I wake up at dusk . . .
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Male 6,286
punko Sorry, that was me
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Male 10,370
Hold on. The squirrel in your profile picture is different than the squirrel in the mugshot.

I'm starting to think you might not actually be a squirrel.

Fake news.
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Male 5,421
holygod Oh, come on now. Different angle, different lighting, different expression. Being booked for ankle-humping was a humiliation. It was my Nick Nolte moment.

Does the man on the left look like the man on the right to you?

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Male 1,561
holygod sock puppet.
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Male 414
*looks left, then right, then shrugs*...I suppose that's one benefit of living in the North Pole...no humping squirrels to worry about
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Male 8,792
mrsnowmeiser one benefit of living in the North Pole

Wrong pole.


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Male 8,792
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Male 1,535
megrendel Now you've done it. The furry little knut bag is bouncing around the room on his woodie looking for ankles to hump. Please in the future just link to the squrl prOn.
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Male 40,560
I don't blame Squrlz..... who doesn't want some of this?


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Female 4,542
Gerry1of1 those are some fucking sexy as hairy ankles in those hot as boat shoes. the anklet really makes this though...
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5
Oh, THAT's where that stain came from....
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Male 721
I would like to come forward as a victim.



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Male 8,199
fuad119 EGADS!
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Male 5,421
fuad119 ~waves paws in exasperation~  It was an innocent hug! Nothing sexual! That's how I remember it, anyway.

*heavy sigh* I'm sorry if you came away feeling icky from our encounter.

This is going to be even more difficult than I thought.
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Female 8,177
I thought my wellies looked sticky....
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Male 1,535
No offense taken Squrlz. You always have an open invitation  to my stew pot.
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Male 3,803
Dammit...I was just about to post allegations against this furry guy and expose him...but now you have ruined my time in the lime light.  I should of just gone to the cops ;)

But seriously...This was a fun post Squrlz!
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Male 598
Hrm, there was this one squirrel I thought was just taunting my dog...  Oh well, you all look alike anyway.
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Male 4,383
I dare you to hump my ankle you creepy, furry-wanna-be-in-a-crotchless-squirrel-costume. We have rounds just for your type.
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Male 6,286
trimble I thought he was a squirrel in a crotchless furry costume
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Male 5,421
trimble Squirrels do not "wanna be" furries. We already are furry and have no need of such human half-measures. That said, the idea of a crotchless squirrel costume is intriguing.
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