Why Humans Don't Have Tails (And Why They Probably Should)

Submitted by: squrlz4ever 5 months ago in Science

This video addresses a timeless but oft-neglected question: Why don't you hoomans have tails like normal animals? Like, for instance, squirrels.

For squirrels, tails serve as aerial manuevering surfaces, parachutes, and even umbrellas. Plus, we can communicate all sorts of information by moving them around. For example, if we're flicking them back and forth (we call that "flagging"), that usually means we're pissed off.

Here's a short list of things hoomans could do with their tails, if only they had them.

1. In the crib.
A tail makes a dandy snuggle blanket. Honestly, I don't know how hooman babies manage without a fluffy tail to wrap themselves up in. No wonder they cry so much.

2. In front of the computer.
Two hands on the keyboard, with the tail moving the mouse. Brilliant, right? And you guys wonder how I type my comments so quickly.

3. In the bedroom. Okay, take the number of sexual positions in the Kama Sutra. Now add two tails into the mix. Voila! The repertoire of sexy funtime positions just got a whole lot longer.

4. In the shower. Who needs a body brush or a loofah? Just put some body shampoo on the end of that tail of yours and rub-a-dub-dub!

5. In the workshop. Ever need to hold two parts together with your hands and apply a drop of glue between them and think, "Well, if I just had three hands!" Mmmhmm. You get the picture.

6. On the playground.
You think kids have fun on the monkeybars now? Just give those little boogers prehensile tails and they will amuse themselves for hours. Heck, you might never get them to come inside for dinner.

7. In combat. You may think you're a badass now carrying that assault rifle in both arms. But add in a grenade-flinging tail and you would be unstoppable. Don't even get me started on all the cool new martial arts moves you could unleash during a cage match.

8. While camping. Annoyed by flies and mosquitoes? With a gentle swish of your tail, problem solved.

9. In the pages of Vogue. Think of all the interesting fashion possibilities if you had a tail. There would be a whole industry dedicated to making tail ribbons and tail jewelry. There would be articles with titles like, "What tail hairstyle goes best with my body type?"

10. In old age. Throw away that cane or the walker with the tennis balls stuck on it. You have a tail to help you get around! Tripedalism is much more stable.

There are 11 comments:
Male 490
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Male 5,344
BTW having 3 hands does come in handy
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Male 5,344
You must answer Me these Questions Three: What is your Name? What is your Quest? What is the air speed velocity of an unladen sparrow in zero G?
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Male 5,344
Pity they did not use a swallow in the zero G flight test. We could have determined the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow in zero G
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Male 5,344
The Japanese have developed a strap on artificial tail that is mind controlled and activated by emotion or conscious though and it is for sale now if anyone wants a tail
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Male 3,591
thezigrat Calling 5cats, calling 5cats!
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Male 531
It was postulated in the 70's that while humans don't need a tail (or get much benefit from one) as we walk about, they may get a benefit in space.  Without gravity, having a fifth limb (particularly one along our major axis) could be rather useful.  However, without any meaningful ways to control on surgically attached to our coccyx, its a bit of wishful thinking.
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Male 3,591
punko See? This is excellent. Yet more information on why the United States should be putting squirrels in space. We would be awesome.
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Male 531
squrlz4ever Have a look at the results of the pigeon flight test in zero g.

Yes, they did that.
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Male 3,591
punko OMG. That is now my new favorite video on the interwebs.
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Male 5,344
I have been wondering why Humans and most animal life here have a bi-lateral biological construction. It's weird!
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