10 Reasons Why I Know "The Great Kardashian Jewel Heist" Is 100 Percent Fake

Submitted by: fancylad 10 months ago in Funny
throw-up-cartoom

I know. I've gone on record stating that I-A-B is a No Kardashian zone, but I can't pass this story up because it could very well signal the beginning of the end for them.

To recap, TMZ is reporting that Kim Kardashian was allegedly robbed at gunpoint last night in her rented Paris apartment. The five thieves (some in ski masks, others in a French police officers' hats) entered the room she was renting through a sliding glass door, duct-taped her ankles (and possibly her wrists, accounts differ), duct-taped her mouth, and placed her in a bathtub while they took $10 million in jewelry, including the new 20-carat diamond ring herself-admittedly broke husband, Kanye West gave her a few days earlier.

Uh huh. This whole ordeal sounds staged and here are 10 reasons why I'm right...

1) She spent the night in an apartment with no security detail or private bodyguards. Hotels, on the other hand, use security guards and closed-circuit cameras. This was done so there's be no footage of the intrusion.

2) The theft was scheduled while her husband was performing a concert in New York. This allowed him to not be present for the alleged theft so he doesn't have to suffer the emasculation of being bound, gagged, and thrown in a bathtub.

3) Because the alleged break-in happened during the middle of West's concert, it set the stage perfectly for him to dramatically cut the show short and drum up more drama. Plus, he performed just long enough so refunds were out of the equation.

4) The alleged thieves only spoke in French, but said "ring, ring" and she was able to figure out how to guide them to the jewelry... all while her mouth was taped shut as she sat in a locked bathroom's tub.

5) She said she was locked in the luxury apartment's bathroom. How many bathrooms do you know that lock from the outside?

6) She somehow broke through the duct tape and handcuffs, broke out of the locked bathroom, and immediately called her bodyguard, not the police. She also stated that the thieves got away by bicycle. How did she know that if she was bound in a locked bathroom?

7) She bailed out of France within two hours as to stay away from French detectives' questions.

8) Those fucking kids she drags all over the world wherever she goes weren't with her the night of the alleged robbery. Where were the kids?

9) One spokesperson for the Kardashians said there was one gunman. Another said all five alleged thieves had guns. They got their stories mixed up early on.

10) You don't think she'd take this opportunity to post photos of her ankles and mouth duct-taped shut all over her social media platforms? So far, all of her social media accounts are radio silent.

[UPDATE]

French detectives and police are beginning to question this little publicity stunt. According to Page Six, local authorities are now bringing up some "serious questions" about the validity of this caper, like, um... was this an inside job?

"French police suspect that the five alleged robbers had some contact with her security and were tipped off about her procedures," a source told Page Six this afternoon. According to this source, the alleged thieves knew exactly when Kardashian would be alone without security. "All they had to do was go in, make contact with someone inside the hotel. They have issues with [the] story of more than one worker at the hotel. They are also talking to bodyguards who worked with her earlier in the week."

There are 21 comments:
Female 21
I felt like something about this story was very fishy when I heard all the details of it. I was thinking it was an inside job, like maybe someone who knew her pulled this...But lately I have been thinking this could be a perfectly tasteless and shameless publicity stunt.
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Male 1,383
I'm still trying to figure out why everyone thinks that she is so good looking. I'm not impressed.
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Male 94
Don't confuse ego and hubris with conspiracy. They are the Kardashians, nothing every bad happens to them when they show the 4 million dollar ring on social media.
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Female 4,086
i STILL don't know why these bitches are so famous.
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Female 3,892
I dont get it either, but apparently if you suck the right black dick you get fun and prizes lol
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Male 2,854
Add me to the list of suspect. I immediately though of the dept Kanye has amassed and insurance scam. Fancy, your list is pretty dead on. Where were the kids, why call the body guard and not the police, why didn't she talk to police and skip the country, and most importantly where was the security. Michael Jackson's ex-security company immediately questioned that publicly. Finally...FUCKING DUCT TAPE! You don't get out of Duct Tape if they did really wanted you bound. I seriously hope they get nailed to the wall if true.
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Male 3,805
Plus, no way would these guys not take turns grabbing multiple handfuls of that famous ass.
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Male 11
It seems that Pitt/Jolie has been getting all the tabloid attention lately. This seems like a typical PR stunt to get attention back on that toilet of turds. I wish all the Krapdashians would just go away.
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Male 9,060
The next time you post a Kardashian article it better end with "... and the funeral is scheduled for Tuesday."
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Female 4,086
how about funerals? as in plural...
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Male 1,151
This is the cardinal sin. Kardashian stuff. I'm out. later.
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Male 3,004
Um, a group of guys wearing masks and cops hats, with a bound chick in a bathtub? Sounds like kinky goings on, don't it?
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Female 127
CaptKangaroo, Those are my thoughts... sounds to me like somebody got caught having a special heavy 'play session' and had to be quick on her feet to explain what just happened probably to an eye witness so she didn't get outed as a serious kinkster and potentially out the others involved as well. That could mean being blacklisted (basically no more 'play sessions' for you with the more responsible undercover BDSM crowd) and I don't think she'd want that. Part of me really wishes that the robbery is true though.. a little poetic justice and redistribution of excess wealth sounds pretty good right now. A lesson learned and expressed to her idiot following from such a reality check would really be a great miracle to top it off but now I'm getting a bit overly optimistic.
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Male 3,004
Since her hubby is rumored to be broke, do ya think she was in that tub saying, "Whip me, beat me, MAKE me write bad checks"?
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Female 127
HAHA! That was funny to envision and yes, yes I do see that as a possibility... among other equally hilarious things. Just when you think you've seen it all, something always tops it.
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Female 3,892
god i hope the hotel/city/whomever sue the dogcrap out of both of those vapid cunts if its found to be the fraud it reeks of
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Male 2,390
A lot of this is what my co workers were saying. Almost point for point. I think you're pretty much spot on, and lets be honest, I don't agree to many times with west coasters. :)
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Male 702
I call bullshit, who take 10 million in jewelry with them. Made up insurance scam.
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Male 141
Fancy - no one's called a shot like this since Babe Ruth. Let's see if breaking the Kardashian rule was worth it and plays out to be true... reading some of these gem lines strung together was worth what I got out of it.
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Male 9
"No Kardashian zone".. I love it. Yet here we are. You might be onto something Fancy. When I first read/heard about it, I was like "Whhaaaaaaa?". Something seemed off. Maybe it just seemed a little TOO serious drama for those 2 vacuous idgits.
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Female 1,506
Genius. I mean you, Fancylad, not those losers.
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