Only 24 days until Christmas! If you need some ideas, Neiman Marcus to the rescue! You just need buttloads of cash and a bat sh*t crazy streak.
The upscale retail chain Neiman Marcus has become famous for the highly extravagant (read: exceedingly deranged) exclusive gifts featured in its holiday catalog
The “Fantasy” and “His and Her” items have only increased in opulence and outrageousness over the years, from a levitating sculpture or a backyard water park to the following items someone, somewhere, put on their wish list…
His and Her Life-Sized Mannequin Replicas (1972)
Lets face it. The marriage has grown stale. You”re not exactly tired of looking at each other but you sure wish the other person wouldn”t move, breathe or shriek out the safety word whenever you try anything even the slightest bit new. And that”s when you need an exact duplicate of your partner in store mannequin form. Plus, thanks to a handy remote, the mannequin can say yes in any language for those times you wish you had listened to your folks and married a multilingual sexbot instead
His and Her Personalized Action Figures (2002)
If seeing the supposed love of your life being plugged into a wall outlet to recharge whenever he starts slurring oui might be a tad disconcerting, you and yours can simply opt instead for these. Each complete with such high-octane adventure accessories as laser gun or briefcase
His and Her Life-Sized Lego Replicas (2008)
If playing with a miniature version of yourself while shouting, “Halt or I”ll shoot and change the PIN numbers to all your credit cards!” doesn”t send a chill down your two spines, then make sure your love is so permanent it can only be destroyed by a willful child or being sucked up in a vacuum cleaner. Ouch.
N-Bar-M Mouse Ranch (1974)
How many times have you wanted to manage your very own livestock AND laugh maniacally as you peer over a trapped mouse running helplessly through a neon-lit miniature farmland like Algernon before he got his special procedure? Well, with the N-Bar-M Mouse Ranch you could do just that, thanks to an enclosed, see-through environment complete with cacti, pastures, barn, feed bins, watering tanks, fences, a windmill, AND A MINIATURE PERSONALIZED BRANDING IRON (using indelible ink instead of searing metal)
Baby Girl Elephant from Thailand (1969)
For those who didn”t want to cage and mercilessly torment a tiny creature, Neiman Marcus also gave you the chance to illegally house an eventually gigantic one. Only $5000.00, a bargain if you asked me.
Freeway Fortress (1971)
Then things got real. For anyone who ever wondered what “Road Warrior” would be like, came this $845,300 (todays cost: $4,726,781.57) monstrosity that resembles an outtake from “Yellow Submarine: Cars Edition.” The “Freeway Fortress” was part car, part tank, and one big panic room on wheels. Chauffer-driven (because why should you be exposed by glass?), this “Total Transportational Security Environment” featured radar, a periscope, indestructible cockpit bubble, loudspeakers to address/threaten/initiate countdown to passing motorists, ANOTHER periscope, tank tracks and retractable tires, and the comfort that can only come from being entombed in your own crippling phobias
Customizable Cupcake Car (2009)
The perfect opportunity to indulge in your “Strawberry Shortcake meets Smart Car” fetish only $25,000
Honeywell Kitchen Computer (1969)
Well, here it is. The very first computer sold directly to consumers, weighing 100 pounds, sold for $10,600, and used to store recipes while chiding the lady of the house with the tagline “If she can only cook as well as Honeywell can compute”. Even though this was a consumer device that anyone could use, it still required an intensive two-week computer programming training course to show how to operate what looks like a cross between an old adding machine, a college lectern, and a high-diving board for midgets.
Life-Sized Dinosaurs (1993)
Turn your back yard into a trip to the easy-going, less worrisome past that was enraged dinosaurs. RAWR.
His and Her Dirigibles (1979)
“A personal blimp? That would be awesome!” Imagine getting to gently float in the sky, illegally park over the Super Bowl, engage in spear-hurtling battles with the Goodyear blimp. Ah, a life of luxury.
NM Gem Triton 1000 Submarine (2007)
Pretend to be Jacques Cousteau or Sean Connery (depending on your personal level of coolness and choice of Sean Connery submarine driving character). Sure, the pleasure will run you $1,440,000, but realize that the price includes both the leather seat upgrade and two days of training so you don”t kill yourself! What a deal!
Noahs Ark (1970)
For starters, no one ever purchased one, despite the fact the ad clearly marked off such amenities as “animal quarters”, “animal food storage, “animal exercise room”, and “ballroom” (presumably when madness kicked in after months at sea and youre holding Venetian Waltzes with polar bears). But if you did order one then you would have all manner of animals you can imagine delivered “subject to availability and state of the market – endangered species given first priority.” Because you might not be able to read the fine print in the above ad, what the hell, lets share the probable list of animals you would have signed for from UPS: Lions, tigers, musk oxen, Komodo dragons, rhinoceri, elephants, hippopotami, alligators, llamas, penguins, walruses, aardvarks, lemurs, camels, American bison, polar bears, gnus, giraffes, kudus, cheetahs, North American otters, wombats, three-toed sloths, mongooses, ocelots, okapis, springboks, wallabies, gorillas, platypuses, plus assorted domestic animals. Should you fear you would be looking after all that alone, the purchase also came complete with an international crew, should you have to repopulate the world but not want to lose every accent including French chef, Swedish masseuse, German hairstylist, English valet, Italian couturier, Park Avenue physician, and Texas A&M veterinarian.
Gosh it must be great to be crazy…. uh, I mean rich.
Extravagant yet totally deranged gifts offered over the years. It”s not “crazy” when you”re rich, it”s eccentric!