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Deranged Sorority Email – Michael Shannon [Pic+]

The following is an expletive and CAPS-ridden email tirade, sent to the entire sorority chapter by one of its executive board members, Rebecca Martinson. The problem: The Sisters” inability to participate in Greek Week activities (particularly: those involving their “matchup” fraternity, Sigma Nu) to the satisfaction of the board.

Delta Gamma”s leadership was concerned that its young achievers weren”t living up to the sorority”s historic mission “to foster high ideals of friendship among college women, to promote their educational and cultural interests, to create in them a true sense of social responsibility and to develop in them the best qualities of character.

Here”s the full email:

If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you”re sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough fucking ride.

For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is the majority of this chapter, we have been FUCKING UP in terms of night time events and general social interactions with Sigma Nu. I”ve been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so fucking AWKWARD and so fucking BORING. If you”re reading this right now and saying to yourself “But oh em gee Becca, I”ve been having so much fun with my sisters this week!”, then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don”t have to fucking find you on campus to do it myself.

I do not give a flying fuck, and Sigma Nu does not give a flying fuck, about how much you fucking love to talk to your sisters. You have 361 days out of the fucking year to talk to sisters, and this week is NOT, I fucking repeat NOT ONE OF THEM. This week is about fostering relationships in the greek community, and that”s not fucking possible if you”re going to stand around and talk to each other and not our match-up. Newsflash you stupid cocks: FRATS DON”T LIKE BORING SORORITIES. Oh wait, DOUBLE FUCKING NEWSFLASH: SIGMA NU IS NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE FUCKING SUCK, which by the way in case you”re an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE FUCKING SUCK SO FAR. This also applies to you little shits that have talked openly about post gaming at a different frat IN FRONT OF SIGMA NU BROTHERS. Are you people fucking retarded? That”s not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you”re mentally slow so I can make sure you don”t go to anymore night time events. If Sigma Nu openly said “Yeah we”re gonna invite Zeta over”, would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn”t, so WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO IT TO THEM?? IN FRONT OF THEM?!! First of all, you SHOULDN”T be post gaming at other frats, I don”t give a FUCK if your boyfriend is in it, if your brother is in it, or if your entire family is in that frat. YOU DON”T GO. YOU. DON”T. GO. And you ESPECIALLY do fucking NOT convince other girls to leave with you.

“But Becca!”, you say in a whiny little bitch voice to your computer screen as you read this email, “I”ve been cheering on our teams at all the sports, doesn”t that count for something?” NO YOU STUPID FUCKING ASS HATS, IT FUCKING DOESN”T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW FUCKING WHY?!! IT DOESN”T COUNT BECAUSE YOU”VE BEEN FUCKING UP AT SOBER FUCKING EVENTS TOO. I”ve not only gotten texts about people being fucking WEIRD at sports (for example, being stupid shits and saying stuff like “durr what”s kickball?” is not fucking funny), but I”ve gotten texts about people actually cheering for the opposing team. The opposing. Fucking. Team. ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?!! I don”t give a SHIT about sportsmanship, YOU CHEER FOR OUR GODDAMN TEAM AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO A SPORTS GAME? ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND? Or are you just so fucking dense about what it means to make people like you that you think being a good little supporter of the Greek community is going to make our match-up happy? Well it”s time someone told you, NO ONE FUCKING LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY OUR FUCKING MATCH-UP. I will fucking cunt punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don”t give a fuck if you SOR me, I WILL FUCKING ASSAULT YOU.

“Ohhh Becca, I”m now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad”. Well good. If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little asswipe that stands in the corners at night or if you”re a weird shit that does weird shit during the day, this following message is for you:

DO NOT GO TO TONIGHT”S EVENT.

I”m not fucking kidding. Don”t go. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I”ve mentioned in this email and have some rare disease where you”re unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS CHAPTER. I would rather have 40 girls that are fun, talk to boys, and not fucking awkward than 80 that are fucking faggots. If you are one of the people that have told me “Oh nooo boo hoo I can”t talk to boys I”m too sober”, then I pity you because I don”t know how you got this far in life, and with that in mind don”t fucking show up unless you”re going to stop being a goddamn cock block for our chapter. Seriously. I swear to fucking God if I see anyone being a goddamn boner at tonight”s event, I will tell you to leave even if you”re sober. I”m not even kidding. Try me.

And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don”t give a fuck. Go fuck yourself.

Here is the email read by Michael Shannon (He channels her nicely):

A Delta Gamma sorority”s University of Maryland chapter CRAZY executive board member”s leaked email. Bitches got told.

[Total: 25    Average: 4/5]
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Category: Weird
Date: 04/23/13 06:45 PM

37 Responses to Deranged Sorority Email – Michael Shannon [Pic+]

  1. Profile photo of kitteh9lives
    kitteh9lives Female 70 & Over
    8033 posts
    April 23, 2013 at 4:45 pm
    Link: Deranged Sorority Email - Michael Shannon - A Delta Gamma sorority`s University of Maryland chapter CRAZY executive board member`s leaked email. Bitches got told.
  2. Profile photo of Ani187
    Ani187 Female 30-39
    4448 posts
    April 23, 2013 at 5:05 pm
    Well, isn`t she a little ray of sunshine?
  3. Profile photo of mar95789
    mar95789 Female 18-29
    193 posts
    April 23, 2013 at 5:17 pm
    A lot of drama for something so unimportant.
  4. Profile photo of syke22
    syke22 Male 18-29
    1136 posts
    April 23, 2013 at 5:20 pm
    Here`s a wonderfully done "Real Actors Read" from youtube of the email.
  5. Profile photo of LandoGriffin
    LandoGriffin Male 30-39
    3844 posts
    April 23, 2013 at 5:42 pm
    Why is a woman calling young women "co ks" and "Faggots"
  6. Profile photo of DuckBoy87
    DuckBoy87 Male 18-29
    3151 posts
    April 23, 2013 at 5:43 pm
    If I were part of that sorority, I would purposely go to whatever event that she told me not to go, do the weird crud that `Becca` didn`t want me to do, and get all my sisters to do the same, just to tick her off.
  7. Profile photo of FeelTheRide
    FeelTheRide Female 18-29
    515 posts
    April 23, 2013 at 5:53 pm
    @mar95789: It`s a college sorority...nothing is more important than that...didn`t you know?!?
  8. Profile photo of Draculya
    Draculya Male 40-49
    14544 posts
    April 23, 2013 at 6:00 pm
    Who is this? Dolf Lungren`s son?
  9. Profile photo of Draculya
    Draculya Male 40-49
    14544 posts
    April 23, 2013 at 6:00 pm
    @LandoGriffin

    Trannys?
  10. Profile photo of Geogypsy
    Geogypsy Female 18-29
    2546 posts
    April 23, 2013 at 6:32 pm
    Ugh, I LITERALLY can`t read this schist.
  11. Profile photo of PoptartinSD
    PoptartinSD Female 40-49
    178 posts
    April 23, 2013 at 7:01 pm
    Too long and stupid to read. who gives a sh*t???
  12. Profile photo of Draculya
    Draculya Male 40-49
    14544 posts
    April 23, 2013 at 7:12 pm
    Barbie: youtube
  13. Profile photo of HalfPintRoo
    HalfPintRoo Female 18-29
    2765 posts
    April 23, 2013 at 7:13 pm
    I`m so glad their parents are paying $20,000 a year so they can be in such an elite group.

    I bet the parents are glad too...
  14. Profile photo of OldOllie
    OldOllie Male 60-69
    15844 posts
    April 23, 2013 at 7:28 pm
    A lot of drama for something so unimportant.
    ^This.^
  15. Profile photo of LionHeart-72
    LionHeart-72 Male 18-29
    521 posts
    April 23, 2013 at 7:56 pm
    Neat. I just discovered my brain will begin to filter out unimportant crap if I accidently start to read it. Can`t remember a word.

    Go brain.
  16. Profile photo of Gerry1of1
    Gerry1of1 Male 50-59
    36227 posts
    April 23, 2013 at 8:22 pm

    I don`t like "cnut". {misspelled `cause of language bot} It`s a naughty word. No one who ever says it sounds intelligent or witty or even cutting edge. Just stupid.
  17. Profile photo of MelCervini
    MelCervini Female 40-49
    2096 posts
    April 23, 2013 at 11:00 pm
    Is that SERIOUSLY an issue?!?!
  18. Profile photo of jinxiejae
    jinxiejae Female 30-39
    2928 posts
    April 24, 2013 at 12:59 am
    if this is for real I feel soooooo secure about the worlds future. (insert sarcastic tone.)
  19. Profile photo of Canoas
    Canoas Male 18-29
    427 posts
    April 24, 2013 at 5:53 am
    I honestly don`t understand what the problem is.. If they know what a sorority is then they should know what it`s expected of them as well. Don`t misunderstand me, I think sororities and frats are retarded to begin with, but if you`re going to join one then you are expected to follow their rules. That`s like joining a sports team and then missing games because you don`t feel like playing.

    Also, she writes pretty well, better than most people here at I-A-B tbh.
  20. Profile photo of patchouly
    patchouly Male 40-49
    4746 posts
    April 24, 2013 at 6:51 am
    LionHeart-72:
    "Neat. I just discovered my brain will begin to filter out unimportant crap if I accidently start to read it. Can`t remember a word.

    Go brain."
    --------

    LOL! Mine did the same thing. I tried to read the whole thing. I really did. I just couldn`t get through all the drivel.
  21. Profile photo of pumba62
    pumba62 Male 40-49
    1018 posts
    April 24, 2013 at 7:16 am
    "Well, isn`t she a little ray of sunshine?"

    Did anyone else hear Carol Channings voice say this ?
  22. Profile photo of McGovern1981
    McGovern1981 Male 30-39
    14273 posts
    April 24, 2013 at 7:18 am
  23. Profile photo of Pandabee
    Pandabee Female 40-49
    857 posts
    April 24, 2013 at 7:54 am
    Yawn! What a Drama Queen.

    Do you really need to be in a sorority?
    Or maybe join Sigma Nu?
  24. Profile photo of papajon0s1
    papajon0s1 Male 40-49
    578 posts
    April 24, 2013 at 8:31 am
    ...and here I thought my heart condition was a big problem. I... I`m... so ashamed... damn my heart attack risks! This poor girl can`t get her girls to party correctly! Can we have a bake sale for them or something?
  25. Profile photo of freddyferret
    freddyferret Male 40-49
    11742 posts
    April 24, 2013 at 9:04 am
    I couldn`t even get halfway through it. Someone is too full of herself. This is something I would expect to see on one of those CW shows, not in real life. One day, reality is going to sucker punch her right the face.
  26. Profile photo of chimmeychang
    chimmeychang Male 30-39
    685 posts
    April 24, 2013 at 10:05 am
    358, your lack of maths is exceeded only by your lack of eloquence.
  27. Profile photo of xCANDACEx
    xCANDACEx Female 30-39
    283 posts
    April 24, 2013 at 10:42 am
    Ive got no problem with "cnut" when referring to a part of the female anatomy, but as a derogatory term for another person, I dont like it. Becca needs to be kicked in the "cnut"!
  28. Profile photo of Zeegrr60
    Zeegrr60 Male 40-49
    2106 posts
    April 24, 2013 at 10:56 am
    "...And they all went sobbing home to their cats."
  29. Profile photo of madduck
    madduck Female 50-59
    7421 posts
    April 24, 2013 at 11:03 am
    Pardon- what on earth is this about? The Greek community? Is this a club or something? I do not understand?
  30. Profile photo of rickwhite
    rickwhite Male 30-39
    151 posts
    April 24, 2013 at 11:08 am
    This chick is awesome. I totally want to bone her.
  31. Profile photo of diylobotomy
    diylobotomy Male 18-29
    1832 posts
    April 24, 2013 at 11:15 am
    Man, college kids have it so rough.
  32. Profile photo of FAKEBACON
    FAKEBACON Male 18-29
    586 posts
    April 24, 2013 at 1:35 pm
    JEEZ YOU COLDA PUT THE AUDIO IN BEFORE THE TL:DR DISERTATION.
  33. Profile photo of FAKEBACON
    FAKEBACON Male 18-29
    586 posts
    April 24, 2013 at 1:36 pm
    also, michael shannon does crazy *quite* well.
  34. Profile photo of goaliejerry
    goaliejerry Male 30-39
    4019 posts
    April 24, 2013 at 4:26 pm
    Haha, Greeks. They wanted me to join, I said no thanks, I could bang their girlfriends regardless.
  35. Profile photo of goaliejerry
    goaliejerry Male 30-39
    4019 posts
    April 24, 2013 at 4:27 pm
    rickwhite
    Male, 30-39, Canada
     118 Posts Wednesday, April 24, 2013 11:08:10 AM
    This chick is awesome. I totally want to bone her.


    And she`s cool because she wants two of her friends to bone ou RIGHT FRICKEN NOW.
  36. Profile photo of goaliejerry
    goaliejerry Male 30-39
    4019 posts
    April 24, 2013 at 4:29 pm

    I don`t like "cnut". {misspelled `cause of language bot} It`s a naughty word. No one who ever says it sounds intelligent or witty or even cutting edge. Just stupid.

    You know Gerry you`re onto something, because that word doesn`t even fit into the heat of coitus, no one ever said the C word and was rewarded for it,
  37. Profile photo of SnapsForMe
    SnapsForMe Female 18-29
    217 posts
    April 24, 2013 at 6:55 pm
    I don`t think I really understand what sororities are. I thought they were groups of college girls who got together and took a pledge and did charities by day and dressed slutty at parties by night. Other than refusing to attend the events, what did the girls do wrong? She mentions frequently they didn`t talk to enough boys? Why would fraternities need to be flirting with them? I`m genuinely confused.

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