Deranged Sorority Email - Michael Shannon [Pic+]

Submitted by: kitteh9lives 3 years ago Weird


The following is an expletive and CAPS-ridden email tirade, sent to the entire sorority chapter by one of its executive board members, Rebecca Martinson. The problem: The Sisters" inability to participate in Greek Week activities (particularly: those involving their "matchup" fraternity, Sigma Nu) to the satisfaction of the board.

Delta Gamma"s leadership was concerned that its young achievers weren"t living up to the sorority"s historic mission "to foster high ideals of friendship among college women, to promote their educational and cultural interests, to create in them a true sense of social responsibility and to develop in them the best qualities of character.

Here"s the full email:

If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you"re sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough fucking ride.

For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is the majority of this chapter, we have been FUCKING UP in terms of night time events and general social interactions with Sigma Nu. I"ve been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so fucking AWKWARD and so fucking BORING. If you"re reading this right now and saying to yourself "But oh em gee Becca, I"ve been having so much fun with my sisters this week!", then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don"t have to fucking find you on campus to do it myself.

I do not give a flying fuck, and Sigma Nu does not give a flying fuck, about how much you fucking love to talk to your sisters. You have 361 days out of the fucking year to talk to sisters, and this week is NOT, I fucking repeat NOT ONE OF THEM. This week is about fostering relationships in the greek community, and that"s not fucking possible if you"re going to stand around and talk to each other and not our match-up. Newsflash you stupid cocks: FRATS DON"T LIKE BORING SORORITIES. Oh wait, DOUBLE FUCKING NEWSFLASH: SIGMA NU IS NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE FUCKING SUCK, which by the way in case you"re an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE FUCKING SUCK SO FAR. This also applies to you little shits that have talked openly about post gaming at a different frat IN FRONT OF SIGMA NU BROTHERS. Are you people fucking retarded? That"s not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you"re mentally slow so I can make sure you don"t go to anymore night time events. If Sigma Nu openly said "Yeah we"re gonna invite Zeta over", would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn"t, so WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO IT TO THEM?? IN FRONT OF THEM?!! First of all, you SHOULDN"T be post gaming at other frats, I don"t give a FUCK if your boyfriend is in it, if your brother is in it, or if your entire family is in that frat. YOU DON"T GO. YOU. DON"T. GO. And you ESPECIALLY do fucking NOT convince other girls to leave with you.

"But Becca!", you say in a whiny little bitch voice to your computer screen as you read this email, "I"ve been cheering on our teams at all the sports, doesn"t that count for something?" NO YOU STUPID FUCKING ASS HATS, IT FUCKING DOESN"T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW FUCKING WHY?!! IT DOESN"T COUNT BECAUSE YOU"VE BEEN FUCKING UP AT SOBER FUCKING EVENTS TOO. I"ve not only gotten texts about people being fucking WEIRD at sports (for example, being stupid shits and saying stuff like "durr what"s kickball?" is not fucking funny), but I"ve gotten texts about people actually cheering for the opposing team. The opposing. Fucking. Team. ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?!! I don"t give a SHIT about sportsmanship, YOU CHEER FOR OUR GODDAMN TEAM AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO A SPORTS GAME? ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND? Or are you just so fucking dense about what it means to make people like you that you think being a good little supporter of the Greek community is going to make our match-up happy? Well it"s time someone told you, NO ONE FUCKING LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY OUR FUCKING MATCH-UP. I will fucking cunt punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don"t give a fuck if you SOR me, I WILL FUCKING ASSAULT YOU.

"Ohhh Becca, I"m now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad". Well good. If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little asswipe that stands in the corners at night or if you"re a weird shit that does weird shit during the day, this following message is for you:

DO NOT GO TO TONIGHT"S EVENT.

I"m not fucking kidding. Don"t go. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I"ve mentioned in this email and have some rare disease where you"re unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS CHAPTER. I would rather have 40 girls that are fun, talk to boys, and not fucking awkward than 80 that are fucking faggots. If you are one of the people that have told me "Oh nooo boo hoo I can"t talk to boys I"m too sober", then I pity you because I don"t know how you got this far in life, and with that in mind don"t fucking show up unless you"re going to stop being a goddamn cock block for our chapter. Seriously. I swear to fucking God if I see anyone being a goddamn boner at tonight"s event, I will tell you to leave even if you"re sober. I"m not even kidding. Try me.

And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don"t give a fuck. Go fuck yourself.

Here is the email read by Michael Shannon (He channels her nicely):


A Delta Gamma sorority"s University of Maryland chapter CRAZY executive board member"s leaked email. Bitches got told.
There are 37 comments:
Female 217
I don`t think I really understand what sororities are. I thought they were groups of college girls who got together and took a pledge and did charities by day and dressed slutty at parties by night. Other than refusing to attend the events, what did the girls do wrong? She mentions frequently they didn`t talk to enough boys? Why would fraternities need to be flirting with them? I`m genuinely confused.
0
Reply
Male 4,014

I don`t like "cnut". {misspelled `cause of language bot} It`s a naughty word. No one who ever says it sounds intelligent or witty or even cutting edge. Just stupid.

You know Gerry you`re onto something, because that word doesn`t even fit into the heat of coitus, no one ever said the C word and was rewarded for it,
0
Reply
Male 4,014
rickwhite
Male, 30-39, Canada
 118 Posts Wednesday, April 24, 2013 11:08:10 AM
This chick is awesome. I totally want to bone her.


And she`s cool because she wants two of her friends to bone ou RIGHT FRICKEN NOW.
0
Reply
Male 4,014
Haha, Greeks. They wanted me to join, I said no thanks, I could bang their girlfriends regardless.
0
Reply
Male 586
also, michael shannon does crazy *quite* well.
0
Reply
Male 586
JEEZ YOU COLDA PUT THE AUDIO IN BEFORE THE TL:DR DISERTATION.
0
Reply
Male 1,832
Man, college kids have it so rough.
0
Reply
Male 151
This chick is awesome. I totally want to bone her.
0
Reply
Female 7,833
Pardon- what on earth is this about? The Greek community? Is this a club or something? I do not understand?
0
Reply
Male 2,143
"...And they all went sobbing home to their cats."
0
Reply
Female 283
Ive got no problem with "cnut" when referring to a part of the female anatomy, but as a derogatory term for another person, I dont like it. Becca needs to be kicked in the "cnut"!
0
Reply
Male 684
358, your lack of maths is exceeded only by your lack of eloquence.
0
Reply
Male 11,740
I couldn`t even get halfway through it. Someone is too full of herself. This is something I would expect to see on one of those CW shows, not in real life. One day, reality is going to sucker punch her right the face.
0
Reply
Male 579
...and here I thought my heart condition was a big problem. I... I`m... so ashamed... damn my heart attack risks! This poor girl can`t get her girls to party correctly! Can we have a bake sale for them or something?
0
Reply
Female 857
Yawn! What a Drama Queen.

Do you really need to be in a sorority?
Or maybe join Sigma Nu?
0
Reply
Male 14,330
0
Reply
Male 1,016
"Well, isn`t she a little ray of sunshine?"

Did anyone else hear Carol Channings voice say this ?
0
Reply
Male 4,746
LionHeart-72:
"Neat. I just discovered my brain will begin to filter out unimportant crap if I accidently start to read it. Can`t remember a word.

Go brain."
--------

LOL! Mine did the same thing. I tried to read the whole thing. I really did. I just couldn`t get through all the drivel.
0
Reply
Male 427
I honestly don`t understand what the problem is.. If they know what a sorority is then they should know what it`s expected of them as well. Don`t misunderstand me, I think sororities and frats are retarded to begin with, but if you`re going to join one then you are expected to follow their rules. That`s like joining a sports team and then missing games because you don`t feel like playing.

Also, she writes pretty well, better than most people here at I-A-B tbh.
0
Reply
Female 2,927
if this is for real I feel soooooo secure about the worlds future. (insert sarcastic tone.)
0
Reply
Female 3,180
Is that SERIOUSLY an issue?!?!
0
Reply
Male 37,888

I don`t like "cnut". {misspelled `cause of language bot} It`s a naughty word. No one who ever says it sounds intelligent or witty or even cutting edge. Just stupid.
0
Reply
Male 521
Neat. I just discovered my brain will begin to filter out unimportant crap if I accidently start to read it. Can`t remember a word.

Go brain.
0
Reply
Male 15,832
[quote]A lot of drama for something so unimportant. [/quote]
^This.^
0
Reply
Female 2,764
I`m so glad their parents are paying $20,000 a year so they can be in such an elite group.

I bet the parents are glad too...
0
Reply
Male 14,773
Barbie: youtube
0
Reply
Female 178
Too long and stupid to read. who gives a sh*t???
0
Reply
Male 2,549
Ugh, I LITERALLY can`t read this schist.
0
Reply
Male 14,773
@LandoGriffin

Trannys?
0
Reply
Male 14,773
Who is this? Dolf Lungren`s son?
0
Reply
Female 515
@mar95789: It`s a college sorority...nothing is more important than that...didn`t you know?!?
0
Reply
Male 3,412
If I were part of that sorority, I would purposely go to whatever event that she told me not to go, do the weird crud that `Becca` didn`t want me to do, and get all my sisters to do the same, just to tick her off.
0
Reply
Male 3,842
Why is a woman calling young women "co ks" and "Faggots"
0
Reply
Male 1,136
Here`s a wonderfully done "Real Actors Read" from youtube of the email.
0
Reply
Female 193
A lot of drama for something so unimportant.
0
Reply
Female 4,447
Well, isn`t she a little ray of sunshine?
0
Reply
Female 8,044
Link: Deranged Sorority Email - Michael Shannon [Pic+] [Rate Link] - A Delta Gamma sorority`s University of Maryland chapter CRAZY executive board member`s leaked email. Bitches got told.
0
Reply