God Directed Me To Insert Them... [Pic]

Submitted by: Englandrocks 6 years ago in Weird

The God Told Me defense--it"s always a good excuse to fall back on.
There are 31 comments:
Male 187
God told me to become atheist!
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Male 946
I gotta get to church!
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Male 4,902
I just hope he remembered the minivan:


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Male 15,832
"But I`m Pastor Fuzz!"

Sorry, that one`s REALLY old.
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Male 3,842
Yeah, God "told" me that, too, if by "God" you mean "millions of years of evolution driven by sexual reproduction" - that`s what "God" means, right?
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Male 1,313
God told me to bang a fat hooker, but since he was wasn`t footing the bill, I declined. Am I going to hell?
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Male 369
If the finger fits, wear it...
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Male 15,329
Corrollary to Imaginary Friend Syndrome: If you believe in the bible, then you must accept that it is plausible that he is a prophet. If the finger fits, you must acquit.
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Male 15,329
Imaginary friend syndrome.
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Male 3,147
Well if Bush can get away with saying God told him to attack Iraq and gets cheered for admitting it, why can`t some Joe get away with fingering a few chicks on the big G`s say so.
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Male 530
I saw a interview with Penn Jillette the other day where he, amongst other things, talked about this kind of behavior/excuses.

A lot of religious people are ok with the fact that their deity instills visions upon mortal men to go out and do their deities work.
Why is it always so that only the ones with visions of helping mankind or noble goals are believed?
And the one who got a message from his deity to go out and kill or sexually abuse someone is never believed.

How come that when bad things happen believers suddenly seem to know exactly how their deity thinks and acts?
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Male 2,033
Gold told me to use my entire fist.
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Male 40,221

Dude, it`s like a total abomination to go past the second knuckle!
Seriously! I read it in the bible or somewhere!
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Male 414
finger lickin good
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Male 213
@crackrJak You are interpreting the Bible too literally. Modern scholars have discovered God intended for priests to do this.
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Male 405
I had to stop using that excuse.
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Male 83
I think I need to start going to church
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Male 910
The lord works in mysterious ways. i bet in this man`s actions he saved her life..
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Male 17,511
Angelmassb: Nothing in the bible says, thou shalt finger bang your female congregation.
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Male 15,510
This is what happens when you take the bible so literally
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Male 1,793
God directs me to insert other things into women`s private parts... now where did i put my electric staple gun, oh yeah i remember now....
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Male 5
me too.
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Male 526
If I-A-B is going to start posting tabloids, it seems the least they could do is do compilations of them. Seems a waste to use an entire link for one picture.
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Male 119
"And, lo, the burning bush spoketh to me and saith, "Insert thy fingers, and lift up thine woman." And Moses saw that his people rejoiced.""
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Male 25,416
and....
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Male 40,221

Totally believable.
According to the Bible, God has given stranger orders than that. For example...

Deuteronomy 23:1
If you`re testicles are crushed or missing you can`t enter a church.

2 Kings 2:23-24
God sends 2 she bears to maul 42 teenage boys for teasing a bald guy.

Leviticus 21:9
If a priests daughter is a whore she must be burned at the stake.... {question: Is there any other kind of preacher`s daughter?}
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Male 6,737
PRIVATE PARTS!

lol
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Male 1,440
Seems Legit.
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Female 1,682
God is obviously a horny old bastard.
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Male 566
"hey honey, you`ll never believe what god just told me!"
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Female 491
Link: God Directed Me To Insert Them... [Pic] [Rate Link] - The God Told Me defense--it`s always a good excuse to fall back on.
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