Soccer Finally Officially Announces It`s Gay

Submitted by: fancylad 7 years ago in Funny

Soccer Officially Announces It Is Gay
The startling confession that"s rocked the sports world!
There are 74 comments:
Male 85
its football!! and this website is gay
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Male 24
It`s football, people who call it soccer are gay!
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Male 104
cant wait until Nigeria plays Greece
*hint think of the top right of the screen
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Male 83
I like how they says its gay because its a bunch of guys running around not touching the ball with their hands, i`d think American football would be a bit gayer, a bunch of guys running around jumping all over each other to fondle a ball..
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Male 714
the onion isn`t funny or clever, why put this manure on this website.
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Male 583
jeffbeau is gay
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Male 721
Brassbull - Harry Potter has its own level of gay.
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Male 1,360
i covered it better
my coverage
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Female 83
I love the onion xD
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Male 1,610
If soccer is gay, then what is quidditch?
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Male 418
i`ll tell ya this, soccer hurta ! I have broken both ankles twice and a couple foot bones playin
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Male 25,416
soccer isnt gay at all, its just differnet!
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Male 63
Yeah i would believe that soccer is Canadas most played sport. Many Canadians do come from huge soccer countries. E.g. Europe, africa. And they take that with them.
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Male 48
Since its just you and me now, I`ll be cool. Soccer (which IS what it is called in this country with no disrespect intended) is a perfectly lovely sport, no one is denying this. The problem is that every 4 years Americans are ridiculed for not `getting` soccer and the implication is that we`re just too stupid. It`s not that we don`t get it or that we make fun of it because we don`t perform well in the World Cup. It`s that it doesn`t matter as much here as it does to other countries. I actually felt bad for the English goalie because it means so much to the Brits. I don`t care if the U.S. loses every game. We know this was a cheap goal. As much as the world trashes America, on our own websites mind you, we do value fair play and fair chance more than anything else.

What starts these flame wars about soccer is the poke in the side we get from Europeans about it. Not caring about the World Cup really bugs some people. It`s more like it doesn`t occur to us.
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Male 89
Actually, you might even call it our most popular. Just take a look at this article.
Even though we may be known as the Hockey country, Football is our most played sport.
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Male 48
Oh Claude, (pronounced Clood- original Degrassi), soccer is your 2nd favorite sport to Hockey? And I said such nice things about you.
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Male 89
Actually, football (soccer) is Canada`s second favorite sport. It`s easily accessible, and everyone loves it.
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Male 145
Haha. That was hilarious.
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Male 48
Oh, I forgot Canada. The 2nd largest country on earth and one the most beautiful cares less about soccer than we do. They call it Not-Hockey up there.
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Male 15,510
Americans doesn`t like football.

We get it.

Move on.
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Male 48
Only 1 of the top 4 economies on earth likes soccer and that one, Germany, came as close to preferring the NFL as any country in Europe when the old league existed. Soccer is not the #1 sport in Australia, all of Asia or Russia. And, as fun experiment, walk into a Rugby bar anywhere in the world and ask what they think of soccer.

One day America will win the World Cup, our team will be made of a mix of people who emmigrated from all over the planet along with some old generation Africans and Anglos, we`ll still call it soccer and most of still won`t care.
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Male 12,138
vv Not talking about timeouts. According to a recent study by The Wall Street Journal, the average length of time the ball is actually in play in a game of American Football is 11 MINUTES. With an average broadcast time for a game of about 3 hours.

Don`t like football, fine. Find it boring, fine. Personal choices. But to say that American Football has more "constant action" than soccer, is evidentially utter bullsh*t.
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Male 975
Also, Davy maybe you`re stopping and going when you`re playing football, but as a fan I hardly notice the players stopping every few seconds. Sure they might be stopping a lot, but I expect a spectacular run/pass is coming up next so I don`t mind. The time in between plays just means that I have a few seconds to celebrate a good play and take a big drink for my team.
From what I`ve seen the continuous play in soccer means that players are more likely to use those extra seconds to slow down the game and pass the ball around to find an opening rather than call a play with as much complexity as those ran in the NFL. (Soccer plays seem more reactive and on-the-fly).

Watching FIFA is a lot like taking a Xanax. I fell asleep and I don`t remember what happened when I was awake.
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Male 975
The NFL is boring an less action intensive because of timeouts?
They call a play, react to the play and they hike it again. There shouldn`t be too much time between each play (35s maximum) to get distracted.
Soccer may be continuous but what soccer lacks in timeouts it makes up with passes that accomplish nothing.
All sports have downtimes, soccer just seems to have much more than any other sport with die-hard fans that I know of.
In all seriousness, I think of soccer as being a bad drinking game. It might be awesome at your school, but we don`t know it here so we think it sucks.
I guess soccer fans get more excited by the smaller things (a great pass, a close shot, the defense, a crazy save, watching people cry after tripping) whereas American sports like to emphasize on the flashier side of athletics.
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Male 12,138
[quote]American Football a gam which stops every two minutes. [/quote]
Actually, it stops every 5-15 seconds at most, in terms of actual play (from snap to dead ball). And again, I love NFL - but please, you can`t pick a worse sport than American Football when you`re comparing sports with non-stop action...
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Female 1,593
Oh, is this Onion? =.=;
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Male 281
lol Onion does it again...
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Male 111
So a game where you never touch balls except to kick the hell out of them is now gay? And baseball has to be the most boring sport I have ever seen or played. As far as "constant action", the only sports I know of with constant action are soccer, hockey and basketball.

P.S. I`m American
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Male 684
Also agreed with Davymid comparing `Soccer` With American Football a gam which stops every two minutes. And saying one is more boring then the other. dont get me wrong I think its perfect for USA your a highly developed consumerist society and it allows you to play an advert every few minutes.

But RUGBY FTW continuous,tough and no silly running out the clock games.
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Male 1,557
Man up? Go and play rugby!
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Male 684
@goalijerry, once you get down to the final 16 you dont get ties anymore. You have ties in group stages as aim is to get most points in group at the moment
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Female 1,441
Also Soccer can be way more interesting because you have these awesome international competitions like the World Cup. I think when countries play each-other it`s automatically more fun to get into. But with American football it`s just US teams playing other US teams. Not too exciting.
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Male 12,138
[quote]All we Americans are trying to say is that it`s slow, .... not enough constant action"[/quote]
As opposed to American Football (which I love, don`t get me wrong), where a 60-minute game takes upwards of 4 hours to play? I make that 25% action time, 75% huddle, switching teams, waiting for the snap... not to mention the absolutely painful clock-working that teams get up to in the 4th quarter. More often than not, the game is over by halftime as the team ahead just keeps running the clock/kneeling the ball, while the team behind has to make big passing plays so the defence easily and predictably shuts them down every time. Football goes right to the final whistle, anyone can win. And the ties are only in the group stage.

If you find it boring, fair enough. But come on, you can`t exactly accuse football of being slow and without constant action in comparison to sports like baseball or american football...
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Male 419
bahahahaha
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Female 1,441
I`m American and I always preferred watching soccer to football. But then again, I wasn`t raised on football.
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Male 1,929
JeffBeau:

1) Boring: So you`ve (I hope for your sake at least) seen a handful of poor soccer games and assumed that the non-American world must be mad and you`ve been priviliged to see everything that soccer has to offer. Wow. You must live a very conceited life. I`ve watched 4 awful superbowls and I still give american football the benefit of the doubt.

2) Unsophisticated: I don`t think the professional game is anywhere near unsophisticated if you care to learn about tactics a bit. But even if it is unsophisticated.. so? It`s fun to play. I bet you wouldn`t be seen dead enjoying a glass of water. Snobby much?

3) The 3rd world thing: Ummm... thanks for that. Err... I don`t know why you stuck a little encyclopedic info in there. Bleedingly obvious statement, but thanks.

You sound like a twat. Sort it out.
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Male 422
`Soccer` (or logically named `football`) does suck. I agree. But, if you dont like it...gee, I dont know....dont watch it?
Man, I didnt know not doing something could take such effort.
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Male 975
Trust me I realize that not only Europe plays soccer. As if I`m so drating retarded that I forgot about teams like Brazil, Mexico, Japan, Ghana, Australia, and so on.
The main differences here is that very few Africans, Australians, and South Americans are on this site so I`m not speaking to them.
I also forgive South America because they`re huge fans of baseball, my perception of Africa is an explanation for why they don`t have many other sports besides soccer, and Australia would rock Europe in a contest of badassery, grilling, scuba diving, etc.
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Male 15,510
[quote]Europe please man up and accept that soccer sucks.[/quote]

Do you realize not only Europeans play "soccer"? heck, even America plays. Its just matter of time for it to get big in USA like in the rest of the world, you Americans are just having a hard time accepting that
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Male 975
Europe please man up and accept that soccer sucks. The Internet is anonymous no one will know it was you!
I mean really ties!?
Sportscasters breaking down failed plays about how they COULD have been a goal only if a,b,c was different about the play. Are you kidding me?!
What about watching at least 5 cumulative minutes of players on the ground. Yeah that`s real interesting, ever hear of a substitution?!
No one intelligent is saying that soccer is easy, unathletic, or gay (in a literal sense).
All we Americans are trying to say is that it`s slow, very low scores, not enough constant action, and that tie scores in a tournament is absolutely rediculous.
I understand that soccer is tradition in many places, but so is religion and Christianity gets poo on everyday at I-A-B.
Your horns suck too.

PS-As I typed this up I watched 2 players crying on the field.
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Female 836
I love the Onion.
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Male 541
Soccer is the poor man`s sport hence why it isn`t popular in America
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Male 46
I`m getting sick of The Onion. The most of the articles follow the same theme, which I`ll give an example of: "Drivers pull aside to clear traffic jam after man sounds car horn" Now, we all know that laying on the car horn in traffic jams isn`t going to solve the problem, but many just keep on doing it. The onion pokes fun at our silly human behavior by writing stories where our silly actions actually end up having the desired effect. "Seashells Transform Suburban Bathroom Into Tropical Hideaway" is another one. "Man and woman arrested for having sex in drug store, seconds after the man involved tested a sample of Axe body spray" etc etc... do something new will ya?
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Male 180
Soccer is boring to watch and unsophisticated. It`s popular in third world countries because the game only requires some item, preferably a bouncy ball, that can be chased & kicked.

Baseball: cerebral & strategic, games within games. Hitting a 95 mph curving baseball with a bat is one of the most difficult feats of competition.

Football- strategic, kinetic, and violent. Requires courage.

Ice hockey - strategic, continuous violence, and highly kinetic (the fastest moving pro sport of human propulsion). But has the greatest number of uncontrollable variables and requires lots of specialized equipment.

Basketball: least complicated and requires the least intelligence. Like soccer it requires only two skills. But scoring is more frequent, so it`s interesting.

Golf: perfect for the individual who doesn`t want to run a lot or perpetually live in injury rehab. But very boring to watch.
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Female 29
LMAO.
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Male 184
Poor job. Like "FIFA spoke person", or anyone outside US for that matter, would call it "soccer".
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Male 39,948
I think Onion would know if something is gay or not
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Male 6,693
I cant stand the horn blowing.
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Male 907
So the Onion called soccer gay. Take the compliment and move along.
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Male 701
Oh yeah, and as goaliejerry said, the ties in the World Cup are quite homosexual.
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Male 701
The only thing I think is gay about soccer is those damn horns everyone`s been blowing.
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Female 387
Actually, it`s totally a not-gay sport. It`s even anti-gay, at least in the UK. The only football player ever to come out committed suicide. Other gay players are too afraid to come out. http://tinyurl.com/398pjlv
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Male 970
german here, and I am not amused
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Female 1,190
Kougaiji- have you ever PLAYED golf? its exhausting!
granted i carry my clubs and walk the whole way, yes there are the lazy fat guys who cart themselves and their clubs, but if you play the whole course you will be exhausted either way.
your swing takes so much practice and precision its not even funny, ive been playing for years and i will never be better than mediocre, because i have a life,
like my golf instructor once said, "in order to be great at golf, you cannot have a social life"
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Male 1,929
Oh look, it`s something I like that`s getting made fun of for a change. Shall I take it seriously and bother defending it? Nahh, I`ll take it on the chin and move along. Next.
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Male 604
baseball is the most boring sport this side of the Big Bang. Golf doesn`t count as I refuse to consider a bunch of wealthy old white people taking up over-large portions of land a sport.
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Male 432
Okay... This is the dumbest onion report I`ve ever seen. Soccer is my second favorite sport. Under Ultimate Frisbee.
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Male 559
"Then why does America like baseball??"

We like beer and hot dogs. That is the only reason to go to a game.
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Male 222
U.S.A. doesn`t invest millions into their World Cup football/soccer team because they don`t want them to succeed. If U.S.A. ever won the World Cup, American Tourists would be murdered all over the world......because of a sports game?
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Male 774
This is news how?
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Male 91
Truth is, the reason the rest of the world likes it is because we don`t.

opinions like that are one of the reasons that the whole world hates america.
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Male 91
yeah america, about that....your gay.
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Male 122
This makes about as much sense as someone saying "there is nothing homosexual about liking American Football." What kind of non-gay sport has fricken Body Pads that double the size of the wearer????
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Male 5,194
>>just because they`re pissed at being the only country in the world that doesn`t like it

That makes no sense. Truth is, the reason the rest of the world likes it is because we don`t.
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Male 2,034
"Americans have ADD, and soccer is boring as hell, thats why we don`t like it."

Then why does America like baseball??
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Male 4,014
"This actually could have been really funny, but wasn`t."

I agree, they missed out on a lot of potential with this one.
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Male 4,014
"I love how America continually lambasts "soccer" for being crap just because they`re pissed at being the only country in the world that doesn`t like it."

This makes about as much sense as someone saying "there is nothing homosexual about liking soccer." What kind of non-gay sport has fricken TIES in a Tournament????

Americans have ADD, and soccer is boring as hell, thats why we don`t like it.
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Male 1,678
This actually could have been really funny, but wasn`t.
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Male 5,314
yeah, like we didn`t already know this.
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Male 1,150
This is kinda like when Ricky Martin came out.... we all knew it already, but its nice to hear THEM say it.
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Male 4,867
even for onion...that was kinda crap
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Male 6,737
I love how America continually lambasts "soccer" for being crap just because they`re pissed at being the only country in the world that doesn`t like it.
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Male 232
Deep down, we already knew this.
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Male 20,917
Link: Soccer Finally Officially Announces It`s Gay [Rate Link] - The startling confession that`s rocked the sports world!
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