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Category: Funny
Date: 06/15/10 10:02 AM

74 Responses to Soccer Finally Officially Announces It`s Gay

  1. Profile photo of fancylad
    fancylad Male 30-39
    18942 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 7:22 am
    Link: Soccer Finally Officially Announces It`s Gay - The startling confession that`s rocked the sports world!
  2. Profile photo of pizzaroll
    pizzaroll Male 18-29
    232 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 10:15 am
    Deep down, we already knew this.
  3. Profile photo of Buiadh
    Buiadh Male 30-39
    6739 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 10:15 am
    I love how America continually lambasts "soccer" for being crap just because they`re pissed at being the only country in the world that doesn`t like it.
  4. Profile photo of domisgood
    domisgood Male 18-29
    4868 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 10:16 am
    even for onion...that was kinda crap
  5. Profile photo of whipplefunk
    whipplefunk Male 30-39
    1071 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 10:18 am
    This is kinda like when Ricky Martin came out.... we all knew it already, but its nice to hear THEM say it.
  6. Profile photo of ScottSerious
    ScottSerious Male 18-29
    5316 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 10:18 am
    yeah, like we didn`t already know this.
  7. Profile photo of paddy215
    paddy215 Male 18-29
    1677 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 10:34 am
    This actually could have been really funny, but wasn`t.
  8. Profile photo of goaliejerry
    goaliejerry Male 30-39
    4017 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 10:36 am
    "I love how America continually lambasts "soccer" for being crap just because they`re pissed at being the only country in the world that doesn`t like it."

    This makes about as much sense as someone saying "there is nothing homosexual about liking soccer." What kind of non-gay sport has fricken TIES in a Tournament????

    Americans have ADD, and soccer is boring as hell, thats why we don`t like it.
  9. Profile photo of goaliejerry
    goaliejerry Male 30-39
    4017 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 10:36 am
    "This actually could have been really funny, but wasn`t."

    I agree, they missed out on a lot of potential with this one.
  10. Profile photo of msieg007
    msieg007 Male 18-29
    2035 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 10:40 am
    "Americans have ADD, and soccer is boring as hell, thats why we don`t like it."

    Then why does America like baseball??
  11. Profile photo of duffytoler
    duffytoler Male 40-49
    5195 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 10:49 am
    >>just because they`re pissed at being the only country in the world that doesn`t like it

    That makes no sense. Truth is, the reason the rest of the world likes it is because we don`t.
  12. Profile photo of Froggybuster
    Froggybuster Male 13-17
    122 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 10:51 am
    This makes about as much sense as someone saying "there is nothing homosexual about liking American Football." What kind of non-gay sport has fricken Body Pads that double the size of the wearer????
  13. Profile photo of dioxin
    dioxin Male 18-29
    91 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 10:52 am
    yeah america, about that....your gay.
  14. Profile photo of dioxin
    dioxin Male 18-29
    91 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 10:54 am
    Truth is, the reason the rest of the world likes it is because we don`t.

    opinions like that are one of the reasons that the whole world hates america.
  15. Profile photo of Salted_Eggs
    Salted_Eggs Male 18-29
    774 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 10:55 am
    This is news how?
  16. Profile photo of Namikaze
    Namikaze Male 18-29
    222 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 11:00 am
    U.S.A. doesn`t invest millions into their World Cup football/soccer team because they don`t want them to succeed. If U.S.A. ever won the World Cup, American Tourists would be murdered all over the world......because of a sports game?
  17. Profile photo of sheaton319
    sheaton319 Male 18-29
    560 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 11:06 am
    "Then why does America like baseball??"

    We like beer and hot dogs. That is the only reason to go to a game.
  18. Profile photo of xtkm1x
    xtkm1x Male 13-17
    432 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 11:14 am
    Okay... This is the dumbest onion report I`ve ever seen. Soccer is my second favorite sport. Under Ultimate Frisbee.
  19. Profile photo of Kougaiji
    Kougaiji Male 18-29
    604 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 11:22 am
    baseball is the most boring sport this side of the Big Bang. Golf doesn`t count as I refuse to consider a bunch of wealthy old white people taking up over-large portions of land a sport.
  20. Profile photo of TopperHey
    TopperHey Male 18-29
    1930 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 11:23 am
    Oh look, it`s something I like that`s getting made fun of for a change. Shall I take it seriously and bother defending it? Nahh, I`ll take it on the chin and move along. Next.
  21. Profile photo of TxP
    TxP Female 70 & Over
    1190 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 11:37 am
    Kougaiji- have you ever PLAYED golf? its exhausting!
    granted i carry my clubs and walk the whole way, yes there are the lazy fat guys who cart themselves and their clubs, but if you play the whole course you will be exhausted either way.
    your swing takes so much practice and precision its not even funny, ive been playing for years and i will never be better than mediocre, because i have a life,
    like my golf instructor once said, "in order to be great at golf, you cannot have a social life"
  22. Profile photo of FIRST_poster
    FIRST_poster Male 18-29
    970 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 11:41 am
    german here, and I am not amused
  23. Profile photo of Mantolwen
    Mantolwen Female 18-29
    387 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 11:42 am
    Actually, it`s totally a not-gay sport. It`s even anti-gay, at least in the UK. The only football player ever to come out committed suicide. Other gay players are too afraid to come out. http://tinyurl.com/398pjlv
  24. Profile photo of ThatWasFunny
    ThatWasFunny Male 18-29
    701 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 11:45 am
    The only thing I think is gay about soccer is those damn horns everyone`s been blowing.
  25. Profile photo of ThatWasFunny
    ThatWasFunny Male 18-29
    701 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 11:48 am
    Oh yeah, and as goaliejerry said, the ties in the World Cup are quite homosexual.
  26. Profile photo of PayN8tention
    PayN8tention Male 18-29
    907 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 11:59 am
    So the Onion called soccer gay. Take the compliment and move along.
  27. Profile photo of meepmaker
    meepmaker Male 30-39
    6694 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 12:08 pm
    I cant stand the horn blowing.
  28. Profile photo of Gerry1of1
    Gerry1of1 Male 50-59
    36860 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 12:25 pm
    I think Onion would know if something is gay or not
  29. Profile photo of radoinc
    radoinc Male 18-29
    184 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 12:29 pm
    Poor job. Like "FIFA spoke person", or anyone outside US for that matter, would call it "soccer".
  30. Profile photo of IzzehBleh
    IzzehBleh Female 18-29
    29 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 12:34 pm
    LMAO.
  31. Profile photo of JeffBeau
    JeffBeau Male 30-39
    180 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 12:34 pm
    Soccer is boring to watch and unsophisticated. It`s popular in third world countries because the game only requires some item, preferably a bouncy ball, that can be chased & kicked.

    Baseball: cerebral & strategic, games within games. Hitting a 95 mph curving baseball with a bat is one of the most difficult feats of competition.

    Football- strategic, kinetic, and violent. Requires courage.

    Ice hockey - strategic, continuous violence, and highly kinetic (the fastest moving pro sport of human propulsion). But has the greatest number of uncontrollable variables and requires lots of specialized equipment.

    Basketball: least complicated and requires the least intelligence. Like soccer it requires only two skills. But scoring is more frequent, so it`s interesting.

    Golf: perfect for the individual who doesn`t want to run a lot or perpetually live in injury rehab. But very boring to watch.
  32. Profile photo of radishboy
    radishboy Male 18-29
    46 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 12:44 pm
    I`m getting sick of The Onion. The most of the articles follow the same theme, which I`ll give an example of: "Drivers pull aside to clear traffic jam after man sounds car horn" Now, we all know that laying on the car horn in traffic jams isn`t going to solve the problem, but many just keep on doing it. The onion pokes fun at our silly human behavior by writing stories where our silly actions actually end up having the desired effect. "Seashells Transform Suburban Bathroom Into Tropical Hideaway" is another one. "Man and woman arrested for having sex in drug store, seconds after the man involved tested a sample of Axe body spray" etc etc... do something new will ya?
  33. Profile photo of dave32891
    dave32891 Male 18-29
    542 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 12:47 pm
    Soccer is the poor man`s sport hence why it isn`t popular in America
  34. Profile photo of thubanstar
    thubanstar Female 50-59
    823 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 12:50 pm
    I love the Onion.
  35. Profile photo of premierwondr
    premierwondr Male 18-29
    975 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 1:01 pm
    Europe please man up and accept that soccer sucks. The Internet is anonymous no one will know it was you!
    I mean really ties!?
    Sportscasters breaking down failed plays about how they COULD have been a goal only if a,b,c was different about the play. Are you kidding me?!
    What about watching at least 5 cumulative minutes of players on the ground. Yeah that`s real interesting, ever hear of a substitution?!
    No one intelligent is saying that soccer is easy, unathletic, or gay (in a literal sense).
    All we Americans are trying to say is that it`s slow, very low scores, not enough constant action, and that tie scores in a tournament is absolutely rediculous.
    I understand that soccer is tradition in many places, but so is religion and Christianity gets poo on everyday at I-A-B.
    Your horns suck too.

    PS-As I typed this up I watched 2 players crying on the field.
  36. Profile photo of Angelmassb
    Angelmassb Male 18-29
    15511 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 1:20 pm
    Europe please man up and accept that soccer sucks.

    Do you realize not only Europeans play "soccer"? heck, even America plays. Its just matter of time for it to get big in USA like in the rest of the world, you Americans are just having a hard time accepting that
  37. Profile photo of premierwondr
    premierwondr Male 18-29
    975 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 1:29 pm
    Trust me I realize that not only Europe plays soccer. As if I`m so drating retarded that I forgot about teams like Brazil, Mexico, Japan, Ghana, Australia, and so on.
    The main differences here is that very few Africans, Australians, and South Americans are on this site so I`m not speaking to them.
    I also forgive South America because they`re huge fans of baseball, my perception of Africa is an explanation for why they don`t have many other sports besides soccer, and Australia would rock Europe in a contest of badassery, grilling, scuba diving, etc.
  38. Profile photo of Trumple07
    Trumple07 Male 13-17
    422 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 1:30 pm
    `Soccer` (or logically named `football`) does suck. I agree. But, if you dont like it...gee, I dont know....dont watch it?
    Man, I didnt know not doing something could take such effort.
  39. Profile photo of TopperHey
    TopperHey Male 18-29
    1930 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 1:37 pm
    JeffBeau:

    1) Boring: So you`ve (I hope for your sake at least) seen a handful of poor soccer games and assumed that the non-American world must be mad and you`ve been priviliged to see everything that soccer has to offer. Wow. You must live a very conceited life. I`ve watched 4 awful superbowls and I still give american football the benefit of the doubt.

    2) Unsophisticated: I don`t think the professional game is anywhere near unsophisticated if you care to learn about tactics a bit. But even if it is unsophisticated.. so? It`s fun to play. I bet you wouldn`t be seen dead enjoying a glass of water. Snobby much?

    3) The 3rd world thing: Ummm... thanks for that. Err... I don`t know why you stuck a little encyclopedic info in there. Bleedingly obvious statement, but thanks.

    You sound like a twat. Sort it out.
  40. Profile photo of LemonTarte
    LemonTarte Female 18-29
    1441 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 1:38 pm
    I`m American and I always preferred watching soccer to football. But then again, I wasn`t raised on football.
  41. Profile photo of thefireguy22
    thefireguy22 Male 18-29
    419 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 1:41 pm
    bahahahaha
  42. Profile photo of davymid
    davymid Male 30-39
    12140 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 1:45 pm
    All we Americans are trying to say is that it`s slow, .... not enough constant action"
    As opposed to American Football (which I love, don`t get me wrong), where a 60-minute game takes upwards of 4 hours to play? I make that 25% action time, 75% huddle, switching teams, waiting for the snap... not to mention the absolutely painful clock-working that teams get up to in the 4th quarter. More often than not, the game is over by halftime as the team ahead just keeps running the clock/kneeling the ball, while the team behind has to make big passing plays so the defence easily and predictably shuts them down every time. Football goes right to the final whistle, anyone can win. And the ties are only in the group stage.

    If you find it boring, fair enough. But come on, you can`t exactly accuse football of being slow and without constant action in comparison to sports like baseball or american football...
  43. Profile photo of LemonTarte
    LemonTarte Female 18-29
    1441 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 1:46 pm
    Also Soccer can be way more interesting because you have these awesome international competitions like the World Cup. I think when countries play each-other it`s automatically more fun to get into. But with American football it`s just US teams playing other US teams. Not too exciting.
  44. Profile photo of jayme21
    jayme21 Male 18-29
    585 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 1:50 pm
    @goalijerry, once you get down to the final 16 you dont get ties anymore. You have ties in group stages as aim is to get most points in group at the moment
  45. Profile photo of TR-Wolf
    TR-Wolf Male 18-29
    1557 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 1:51 pm
    Man up? Go and play rugby!
  46. Profile photo of jayme21
    jayme21 Male 18-29
    585 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 1:56 pm
    Also agreed with Davymid comparing `Soccer` With American Football a gam which stops every two minutes. And saying one is more boring then the other. dont get me wrong I think its perfect for USA your a highly developed consumerist society and it allows you to play an advert every few minutes.

    But RUGBY FTW continuous,tough and no silly running out the clock games.
  47. Profile photo of brutalnewt
    brutalnewt Male 30-39
    111 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 2:01 pm
    So a game where you never touch balls except to kick the hell out of them is now gay? And baseball has to be the most boring sport I have ever seen or played. As far as "constant action", the only sports I know of with constant action are soccer, hockey and basketball.

    P.S. I`m American
  48. Profile photo of Thepwnsher
    Thepwnsher Male 13-17
    283 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 2:27 pm
    lol Onion does it again...
  49. Profile photo of OmgZelda
    OmgZelda Female 18-29
    1593 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 2:28 pm
    Oh, is this Onion? =.=;
  50. Profile photo of davymid
    davymid Male 30-39
    12140 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 2:37 pm
    American Football a gam which stops every two minutes.
    Actually, it stops every 5-15 seconds at most, in terms of actual play (from snap to dead ball). And again, I love NFL - but please, you can`t pick a worse sport than American Football when you`re comparing sports with non-stop action...
  51. Profile photo of premierwondr
    premierwondr Male 18-29
    975 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 2:48 pm
    The NFL is boring an less action intensive because of timeouts?
    They call a play, react to the play and they hike it again. There shouldn`t be too much time between each play (35s maximum) to get distracted.
    Soccer may be continuous but what soccer lacks in timeouts it makes up with passes that accomplish nothing.
    All sports have downtimes, soccer just seems to have much more than any other sport with die-hard fans that I know of.
    In all seriousness, I think of soccer as being a bad drinking game. It might be awesome at your school, but we don`t know it here so we think it sucks.
    I guess soccer fans get more excited by the smaller things (a great pass, a close shot, the defense, a crazy save, watching people cry after tripping) whereas American sports like to emphasize on the flashier side of athletics.
  52. Profile photo of premierwondr
    premierwondr Male 18-29
    975 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 2:57 pm
    Also, Davy maybe you`re stopping and going when you`re playing football, but as a fan I hardly notice the players stopping every few seconds. Sure they might be stopping a lot, but I expect a spectacular run/pass is coming up next so I don`t mind. The time in between plays just means that I have a few seconds to celebrate a good play and take a big drink for my team.
    From what I`ve seen the continuous play in soccer means that players are more likely to use those extra seconds to slow down the game and pass the ball around to find an opening rather than call a play with as much complexity as those ran in the NFL. (Soccer plays seem more reactive and on-the-fly).

    Watching FIFA is a lot like taking a Xanax. I fell asleep and I don`t remember what happened when I was awake.
  53. Profile photo of davymid
    davymid Male 30-39
    12140 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 3:04 pm
    vv Not talking about timeouts. According to a recent study by The Wall Street Journal, the average length of time the ball is actually in play in a game of American Football is 11 MINUTES. With an average broadcast time for a game of about 3 hours.

    Don`t like football, fine. Find it boring, fine. Personal choices. But to say that American Football has more "constant action" than soccer, is evidentially utter bullsh*t.
  54. Profile photo of GroupW
    GroupW Male 18-29
    48 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 3:41 pm
    Only 1 of the top 4 economies on earth likes soccer and that one, Germany, came as close to preferring the NFL as any country in Europe when the old league existed. Soccer is not the #1 sport in Australia, all of Asia or Russia. And, as fun experiment, walk into a Rugby bar anywhere in the world and ask what they think of soccer.

    One day America will win the World Cup, our team will be made of a mix of people who emmigrated from all over the planet along with some old generation Africans and Anglos, we`ll still call it soccer and most of still won`t care.
  55. Profile photo of Angelmassb
    Angelmassb Male 18-29
    15511 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 3:46 pm
    Americans doesn`t like football.

    We get it.

    Move on.
  56. Profile photo of GroupW
    GroupW Male 18-29
    48 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 3:47 pm
    Oh, I forgot Canada. The 2nd largest country on earth and one the most beautiful cares less about soccer than we do. They call it Not-Hockey up there.
  57. Profile photo of JimmyRocks
    JimmyRocks Male 30-39
    145 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 4:10 pm
    Haha. That was hilarious.
  58. Profile photo of yoiyoi
    yoiyoi Male 18-29
    89 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 4:40 pm
    Actually, football (soccer) is Canada`s second favorite sport. It`s easily accessible, and everyone loves it.
  59. Profile photo of GroupW
    GroupW Male 18-29
    48 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 4:48 pm
    Oh Claude, (pronounced Clood- original Degrassi), soccer is your 2nd favorite sport to Hockey? And I said such nice things about you.
  60. Profile photo of yoiyoi
    yoiyoi Male 18-29
    89 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 4:56 pm
    Actually, you might even call it our most popular. Just take a look at this article.
    Even though we may be known as the Hockey country, Football is our most played sport.
  61. Profile photo of GroupW
    GroupW Male 18-29
    48 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 5:23 pm
    Since its just you and me now, I`ll be cool. Soccer (which IS what it is called in this country with no disrespect intended) is a perfectly lovely sport, no one is denying this. The problem is that every 4 years Americans are ridiculed for not `getting` soccer and the implication is that we`re just too stupid. It`s not that we don`t get it or that we make fun of it because we don`t perform well in the World Cup. It`s that it doesn`t matter as much here as it does to other countries. I actually felt bad for the English goalie because it means so much to the Brits. I don`t care if the U.S. loses every game. We know this was a cheap goal. As much as the world trashes America, on our own websites mind you, we do value fair play and fair chance more than anything else.

    What starts these flame wars about soccer is the poke in the side we get from Europeans about it. Not caring about the World Cup really bugs some people. It`s more like it doesn`t occur to us.
  62. Profile photo of TNoussis
    TNoussis Male 18-29
    63 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 5:54 pm
    Yeah i would believe that soccer is Canadas most played sport. Many Canadians do come from huge soccer countries. E.g. Europe, africa. And they take that with them.
  63. Profile photo of Fatninja01
    Fatninja01 Male 30-39
    25420 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 6:14 pm
    soccer isnt gay at all, its just differnet!
  64. Profile photo of fknloser
    fknloser Male 30-39
    418 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 6:35 pm
    i`ll tell ya this, soccer hurta ! I have broken both ankles twice and a couple foot bones playin
  65. Profile photo of Brassbull
    Brassbull Male 30-39
    1610 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 6:46 pm
    If soccer is gay, then what is quidditch?
  66. Profile photo of lilylilylily
    lilylilylily Female 13-17
    83 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 7:36 pm
    I love the onion xD
  67. Profile photo of obeydarklord
    obeydarklord Male 18-29
    1360 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 7:44 pm
    i covered it better
    my coverage
  68. Profile photo of henryhendrix
    henryhendrix Male 30-39
    722 posts
    June 15, 2010 at 8:27 pm
    Brassbull - Harry Potter has its own level of gay.
  69. Profile photo of kinky_afr0
    kinky_afr0 Male 18-29
    583 posts
    June 16, 2010 at 12:01 am
    jeffbeau is gay
  70. Profile photo of som-tam
    som-tam Male 18-29
    714 posts
    June 16, 2010 at 5:58 am
    the onion isn`t funny or clever, why put this manure on this website.
  71. Profile photo of ryannn24
    ryannn24 Male 18-29
    83 posts
    June 17, 2010 at 11:16 am
    I like how they says its gay because its a bunch of guys running around not touching the ball with their hands, i`d think American football would be a bit gayer, a bunch of guys running around jumping all over each other to fondle a ball..
  72. Profile photo of heresjonny
    heresjonny Male 13-17
    104 posts
    June 17, 2010 at 12:05 pm
    cant wait until Nigeria plays Greece
    *hint think of the top right of the screen
  73. Profile photo of philbadley
    philbadley Male 30-39
    24 posts
    June 18, 2010 at 3:06 am
    It`s football, people who call it soccer are gay!
  74. Profile photo of jamesrs
    jamesrs Male 18-29
    85 posts
    June 19, 2010 at 8:01 am
    its football!! and this website is gay

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