6 Gross Things They Don`t Mention About Childbirth

Submitted by: SaintPatty 9 years ago in Weird
http://www.cracked.com/article_16508_6-terrifying-things-they-dont-tell-you-about-childbirth.html

Thinking of having a baby anytime in your life? You"ll drop that idea real quick after reading what"s involved.
There are 128 comments:
Female 70
i already knew about all of these

anyway the bill scared me the most

x|

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Female 251
I`m SO glad i had a c-section birth...
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Female 1,984
Cybelwin, did you actually have a kid in your teens?
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Female 1,984
"This has only reinforced my hatred of babies.."

I don`t think you were loved either.

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Female 1,984
"Which means, you now have a little brat and you never get to enjoy sex again."

Wow... with that nasty attitude you don`t deserve kids. Did your parents not love you or something?

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Female 1,984
"The downside is that you will forever wonder if your baby had a previously unnoticed twin who could have went on to make you a fortune as the star of untold numbers of b-rated horror films."

"Have went"? That`s just sad...

I still want three kids.

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Female 8
lol my dog is having puppies this week..

anyone want to buy a boxerdoodle?

http://www.breederinfocenter.com/index.p...

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Female 324
yay NHS ftw!! :D
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Female 66
Gothic Queen: I had a C-section w/ my first and I wouldn`t wish that on anyone! Go natural and get on the epidural as soon as you can and you won`t feel a thing! The healing after the C-section while completely sleep deprived and trying to care for a newborn is pure torture! Add on the potential PPD and it`s all over! I had 3 VBACs because I REFUSE to be cut open like that ever again!

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Male 1,049
When my daughter was born there was more blood than on the entire first series of Dexter. It looked like a chainsaw massacre had just happened. And the doctor gave me a funny look when I asked him to put in a couple of extra stitches, just to tighten her back up. Weant down like a lead baloon.
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Male 3
$10,000???
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Female 88
peeps eat the placent because its jam packed full of hormones and stuff, alot of animals do it from what i know...not sure if i would do it...

but poo to all of you girls who chickened out :P

I still plan on having my baby ^^

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Female 36
ah the memories...
and they forgot to mention breaking wind in the midwifes face OH YEH!!!

PS you loose all sense of dignity after

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Female 316
way to scare the fertility out of me, cracked!

holy crap! i`m uneasy just having reproductive organs now. i mean, i knew i`d make a bad parent but this settles it.

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Female 164
Yes, that settles it.
I am adopting.
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Male 247
"Picture a vagina blowing a meat-bubble. Now imagine someone surgically attaching that meat-bubble to a newborn via a pulsating sausage casing."

Poetry, man! True, raw, visceral, beautiful poetry at its finest.

I see a nomination for the T.S. Eliot prize here somewhere.

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Female 278
lol the head thing reminded me of stewie from family guy haha
and i dont get it, the baby monitor stays on and goes through you and out the otherside when you give birth? ohh wait... i see they had the picture on an angle... i get it wait, that would be soooo annoying, how do you pee with things stuck up there?
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Female 124
ahh i knew bout all bout those.. except for the baby monitoring.. .but when i read about the slicing of the down there i was a little uneasy after looking at the diagram... thats a sh*tload of slicing... >_<

meh the wonders of life ayes?

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Female 42
ahhhhhhhh, frick
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Female 4,376
and for everyone saying they want a c-section.. i`ve asked doctors. and unless you have reaaaaally good insurance or medical reasons or a very very very sympathetic generous doctor they aint gonna give you a c-section. they usually only do them if absolutely necessary. when i have a baby though i will fight for the right to have a c-section because i do not even want to know the pain of labor. screw everything else on this list
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Female 694
Ugh. This makes me very happy that I can`t have and don`t want any kids... Ughguguuhghu....
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Female 4,376
already knew all this stuff. still going to have a baby lol

i lol`d at the Bill though

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Male 506
^yum
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Female 14
ugh, that just reminds me of a travel show i was watching. apparently in some countries, the families save the placenta and eat it later.

placenta stir fry, doesn`t that sound delicious.
:-/

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Female 143
Ew. Those things are gross. I never saw my placenta. I kinda just pushed and out it popped. So you really don`t get to see it.

Half those things you don`t even need to see. The bill I admit was pretty damn high. Thank gawd for insurance.

Other than that it`s all true.

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Male 432
aussieguy29
Male, 18-29, Australia
213 Posts Friday, August 01, 2008 7:01:56 PM
you have to pay $10,000 to give birth in the US? thats drating ridiculous. stupid americans and your crazy health system. thats just the thing new parents want, isnt it, a huge bill.
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Stupid Americans? That`s a bit of a generalization, but I can definitely say that my fellow citizens have not done well at selecting representatives and executive leaders, but that still doesn`t justify your complete negligence of apostrophes.

(By the way, the big problem over here is too much government intervention and too many malpractice lawsuits. If those two things were out of the way, things would be much cheaper and probably better, due to a less stagnant marketplace.)

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Female 65
p.s. i couldn`t feel the fetal scalp electrode. The fetal monitor is also used when it`s supseced that the monitor on the belly is not reading the heartrate accurately.

and, AHAHAHAHAHAHH! WE DO NOT GET BILLED IN CANADA!!! SUCKERS!!!

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Female 65
Oi, I knew all this poo in highschool, we had parenting class and a decent sex ed. They actually showed a video of a woman giving birth.

My son was born almost 4 months ago, I ended up having a cesarian section after over 26 hours of labour.

on the subject of epesiotomies: there is research that maybe they cause more harm than good. sure, the cut is cleaner than tearing, but the wound could rip even more, think of stretching rubber, then cut part of it and then stretch it again, what happens?

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Male 33
What they failed to mention was that the medio-lateral cut in the base of the vagina is to maintain the perineal body from splitting naturally, preventing what is affectiionatly named a `vaganus` from forming.

If said tear occurs naturally, then the anal sphinchter fails to ever really work properly again and permanent incontinence occurs.

So ask yourrself if it is just a way for your doctor to earn some extra dosh?

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Male 420
you have to pay $10,000 to give birth in the US? thats drating ridiculous. stupid americans and your crazy health system. thats just the thing new parents want, isnt it, a huge bill.
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Male 533
"at first i thought the blobfish was the plecenta lol "

So your telling me it wasn`t?

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Male 553
at first i thought the blobfish was the plecenta lol :-P
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Female 2,027
aliens heads hahahahaha what weirdo babies. i was never like that...im perfect...:D
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Female 53
This has only reinforced my hatred of babies..
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Male 1,109
ewwwwwwwwwww.
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Female 215
I`m pregnant with my second baby, and that post is full of crap. It`s just an excuse to give his girlfriend to not have kids. I never saw the placenta, got the episiotomy yes but it`s easier to stitch and quicker to heal than _tearing_, and I`m thankful enough to live in Quebec where public health services spared me the bill.

If you let things like that keep you from having kids, then you really don`t want them. Don`t have them.

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Male 432
cypher4400
Male, 13-17, Europe
5 Posts Friday, August 01, 2008 1:17:58 PM
lol nunber 1 was the bill but in England it`s free.
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Free, huh?

Well, we`re both in the 13-17 boat and don`t have to pay many taxes, but rest assured, it won`t seem free when you look at what`s taken out of your paycheck. Trust me, you`re paying for it whether you have a child or not.

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Male 425
Kids are gay.
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Male 348
I knew all of those...except number 1...I`m Canadian :P
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Female 66
I`m on #5. Shut up! NONE of that stuff compares to the PAIN!! I can`t even describe it! Definitely getting an epidural as soon as I can this time! That last one was NOT FUN!
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Male 9,305
MY kids are going to have four legs and fur. :P
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Female 16
Ah. Scary.
My mom told me about when she gave birth to me. Horrible. I was 2 and a half weeks late. She had to have an emergency C-section. She was allergic to the epidural, but they didn`t figure that out until they gave her numerous shots of it. The doctors said that if they saved me, then my mom would die. Thank God she didn`t.
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Female 238
*rocks back and forth muttering* Not gonna happen to me... Not gonna happen to me... Not gonna happen to me...
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Female 15,763
My mom was in labor for 36 hours.

...And then had a C-section. xD She won`t let me forget it, too.

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Female 307
It`s REALLY not as bad as they make it seem...
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Male 21
i knew most of this allready as i`ll be a dad in about 3 months, and thank god for the nhs
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Female 5,139
ive just realised, a guy posted this.. obviously they wouldnt tell guys this, they have trouble wanting babies anyways. and they dont need to know lol
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Female 1,065
I think I`m gonna be sick..
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Female 2,084
i knew most of this before.
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Male 16
lol nunber 1 was the bill but in England it`s free.
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Male 982
"Either way, having a soft skull comes in handy when you`re trying to be born without killing your mother in the process. Unfortunately, their heads don`t instantly regain their shape once they pop out. It takes a day or two of looking like a butt plug before you can take your little-one hat shopping."

I lol`d so hard.

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Female 52
Jordan: Pooping? I`m going to be POOPING in front of people?

Dr Cox: Yeah. Funny how they never show that part on TV shows, isn`t it?


Gotta love Scrubs!!

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Male 392
I had no freaking Idea there was a bill
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Male 213
roostertail...
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Male 213
As the experience is still fresh in my mind...Ill share. Get the episiotomy done! Ripping, I hear(and saw *shudder*), isn`t the best experience. Next, go with the drug roostertail. There`s a drug, cant remember the name of it, that speeds up the dilation at the cost of stronger contractions. If you have a epidural or three this isnt a problem though. And sky is right about the constipation pills...The short of it, if youve got the insurance or the money, childbirth is easy-peasy.(until the next day when the meds wear off ;)
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Female 47
maybe i`ll adopt...
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Female 408
I already knew all this, my mom had two home births, and my aunt had five.
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Female 1,545
lol davisboy, that actually made my day so much better!!

These reasons (and more) are the main reasons why I could never be a ob-gyn. I can handle blood and guts with brains, hearts and lungs destroyed beyond recognizability...but I cannot handle childbirth and all the ickiness that goes along with that business.

Definitely, definitely not. *shudder*

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Female 193
This isn`t all that accurate. My mom had 2 children without any medication whatsoever and she had an episiotomy as one of us was being born. Btw, they also have pills to help with the feces. Again, didn`t happen to my mom.
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Male 126
"if you thought watching poo-porn will prepare you.."

lmao

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Female 24
Im not having a baby XD YAY
And you take a huge 8 pound dump :| ON the bed
God im neve becoming a nurse >.>
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Female 406
I knew a lot of this stuff because I was eight when my brother was born, so I remember all the stuff my mom told me about having a baby...

She didn`t hesitate to tell me all the gross details. She hopes it`ll act as a sort of birth control for me xD Not that his mere EXISTENCE isn`t enough O.o

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Male 587
Oh, com`on it`s not that bad. I was there for the whole time when my wife gave birth. She didn`t have any drugs and the placenta wasn`t that gross at all. It just looked like a big red squishy water balloon.

The funniest thing was after she gave birth at 2am I went into one of the waiting rooms and there as a girls gone wild commerical on the TV in corner. And the first thing that came to my mind was."Man those girls are going to have such a hard time having kids with such tiny hips."

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Male 14,331
Tom Cruise recommends....

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Male 3,327
I knew a lady who wanted to plant the placenta in her garden as fertilizer. I think I heard a rumor (don`t quote this a true!) that Tom Cruise ate his daughter`s placenta. Even if he didn`t, there are people who do that.
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Female 160
The bill is definitely the worst..
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Female 195
brings me back to Relationships and Parenting class in highschool...I learned all of this back then and it scarred me for life...and we had to watch an episiotomy video as well as a circumcision video...one kid fainted.
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Female 239
Oystah, I was actually eating spaghetti when I read it, so now my lunch is in the garbage! :(
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Female 239
Anyone want my placenta? I`ll be posting it on Ebay in September. Early bids?
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Female 2,674
It doesn`t make me not wanna give birth, I still want 4 kids! I knew all except 1, and only 1 grossed me out.
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Female 1,784
I wish there was a way I could skip all that, or by the time I have a baby they have more ways to lessen the pain then a huge needle in my back
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Female 4,039
Sorry Msdenee. Can you stand it, though? Placenta in a blender. Or as I say it, a blendah? I`m gonna bahf.
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Female 458
Yeah. I don`t want to have kids. I didn`t before I read this, and I don`t after. I also read that (here`s one that Cracked missed) having kids /can/ pinch the nerves leading to your clit.

Which means, you now have a little brat and you never get to enjoy sex again.

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Male 1,455
WTF BILLS? But they`re talking about the US, right?
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Female 239
"www.twilightheadquarters.com/placenta.html"

Come on now, where was the warning with this!? Placental recipes, disgusting!

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Female 1,470
LOL i can tottaly see this happening one day
"CONGRATULATIONS, U HAVE A NEW ...loaf of crap?"
LOL
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Female 1,412
Aaand about the placenta thingy, my friend has already planned on giving her placenta to another friend for her to eat >.<
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Female 1,412
We don`t have bills in the uk ^>^ we have the NHS.
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Female 90
meh, I learned this stuff in health
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Female 850
C-Section, C-Section, C-section.
No poop.
Not as much pain as poppin a melon out ur vag.
Ya, bigger bill tho.....
(that is wat im gonna do.)
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Male 1,263
"these are all true.....and may I suggest to anyone going to have a baby....DO THE DRUGS!!!! "Natural childbirth" is VERY PAINFULL!!"


Haha, yeah. When my mother was pregnant with me, she said she wanted to do it the natural way.
20 hours in labor later, she told me she was screaming "GIVE ME THE DAMN DRUGS."


Ahhhhh.

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Female 532
That was to Dooked, by the way...
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Female 532
^^^ `stolen`?!
It`s merely linked.
And that is the ENTIRE point of this site...to find interesting things to `unbore` people. It just so happens that cracked make quite a few interesting things.
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Male 285
I never knew about the crapping yourself. Of course now that I think about it, it`s very obvious.

God that placenta picture was really freaking creepy and gross...

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Male 516
ANOTHER stolen link from cracked?
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Female 665
i no longer want a baby T_T sounds too painful
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Male 90
Ahh! I`m glad i`m male : D
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Female 471

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Male 4,393
hahaha The Bill...
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Female 532
I would NEVER go through this.
If I wanted a child (un-bloody-likely), I`d adopt one or something.
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Male 209
The placenta looks like a meaty steak....


like, fresh cut from a cow...and tender & meaty...


oh god that`s making me hungry now D:

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Male 1,788
That`s why I kidnapped all of my children.
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Female 1,186
"Gerbear not ...always, i knwo someone who woke up during their c-section.. sorry to inform you"

eh, i`ll make the decision when the time eventually comes
either way, the lil bugger has to come out =)

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Male 100
I really dont find the placenta that nasty. Just looks like a really tasty heart.
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Female 4,039
www.twilightheadquarters.com/placenta.html

Okay, ew. Oh, and, yes, smartbomb, who sampled baby poo and roofing tar for that comparison?

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Female 5,139
ohh ffs tyops lol... meh
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Female 5,139
Gerbear not ...always, i knwo someone who woke up during their c-section.. sorry to inform you
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Female 5,139
"Friday, August 01, 2008 9:05:55 AM
Wow, I never knew that you poo your pants while giving birth. O__O"

really? i thought it was obvious. with all the contracting muscles in that area.. its not like you can control each muscle that well, when you gotta go...you gotta go

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Female 1,186
gawd, it`s like goatse all over again
i WISH i hadn`t seen that placenta picture
officially scarred for life
despite all the horrible facts this article has elightened me with,
i think i`m still going to have a baby one of these days, a c sections the best way to go! xD
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Male 1,220
"They may also taste like fresh roofing tar, but who wants to eat fresh roofing tar just to make that comparison?"

that`s silly!

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Male 64
Yeah long time ago like middle ages or something people ate their placenta after giving birth.Giving birth puts a real strain on the body and you lose alot of blood...and supposedly the placenta is like iron rich so what you lose after birth they ate it to regain some vitamins. And it mightve had some symbolic meaning idk,...yeah
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Female 1,589
Wow, I never knew that you poo your pants while giving birth. O__O
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Female 1,441
Ew what the hell? Child birth is disgusting.

(Yeah I`m immature I dont care)

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Male 1,894
man, this had to be posted after my wife got pregnant.
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Female 140
the only thing ickier than placenta is a teratoma...
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Female 5,139
alright alright ill rephrase it....
dogs eat theirs (and its normal...)
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Female 4,039
I am sure I saw something somewhere about people who eat placenta. Maybe we`re not as sophisticated as we think! Ewwww. Nature is wacky.
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Female 5,139
i wouldnt call them human, anyone who eats an unborn dog is just.... wrong in the face
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Female 4,225
^Humans somtimes eat animal placentas.

And unborn ducks

and unborn dogs

and...yeah

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Female 5,139
lol @ blod ...

blob*

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Female 5,139
yeah... animals just find a bush and do it there, its only embarassing for us cos..well like turnshroud said, we have become more sophisticated, but its a natural thing, and so what if you give birth to a giant blod of bloody placenta afterwards.. dogs eat a few of theirs. lol
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Male 72
Great, I just had to read this when I was eating a placenta didn`t I? Gross.
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Female 4,225
Humans have become more sophisticated and complex over time.
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Female 471
i dig the lip ring blackipoddd
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Male 815
...alright so i clicked on and saw the placenta... and i don`t think i`m going to finish my strawberry toster strudel now.. ha
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Male 260
BlackiPod

Thats f*** funny

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Female 239
As a pregnant mother of 1, who`s been billed outrageously for an episiotomy - It`s really not all that gross!

I look forward to everything they mentioned again in September - childbirth is awesome!

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Female 5,139
actually Oystah alot of animals have trouble with it too, its just one of those things, it either goes smoothly or it doesnt, theres nothing you can do about it. except wait lol
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Male 1,244
If I remember correctly, my father was so toughened by my birth experience that when my sister was born, he ordered a plate of sea food and watched the whole thing front and center. This is not a joke. This is the man I was raised by.
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Female 386
HMMM

placenta, tasty

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Female 4,039
I wonder what ever happened as humans evolved to make it so complicated for us to deliver babies? Have you ever seen a giraffe do it? I mean, cripe, it just stands there and bloops out this spindly multi-legged thing while it`s nonchalantly eating leaves and looking out for lions, the newborn then freefalls a good six feet to the dusty ground, stands up, shakes off and that`s that.
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Female 471
O.O
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Male 1,039
What part of that would stop you from having a baby. We had a beautiful baby girl and I didn`t pay attention, let alone see most of the examples, to 99% of that stuff. Also, my wifes childbirth actually made her....well, younger downstairs after she healed up..LOL.

Nothing would stop either of us providing a little brother or sister in the future.

(also, a bag/apron is set up to catch everything like the placenta/feces...so you really don`t see any of that stuff happening..it just falls out of view into it)

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Male 2,395
Wow, I actually never knew that there was a bill. >_>
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Female 5,139
id never have a completly natural birth..i dont get it, when theres things that can help you through it AND not damage the baby. why go through the pain?

btw i already knew about all of these, my mum said i had an alien head when i was born ^_^

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Female 41
these are all true.....and may I suggest to anyone going to have a baby....DO THE DRUGS!!!! "Natural childbirth" is VERY PAINFULL!!
also, if you want to make sure you don`t have more kids....make the dad WATCH!
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Male 260
placenta look awesome
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Male 970
Link: 6 Gross Things They Don`t Mention About Childbirth [Rate Link] - Thinking of having a baby anytime in your life? You`ll drop that idea real quick after reading what`s involved.
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