34 Church Signs That Won’t Make You Go To Church

Submitted by: rycanto 8 years ago Funny
http://www.holytaco.com/2008/08/04/church-signs-that-wont-make-you-go-to-church/

This is why the church is experiencing such huge drop-off numbers.
There are 96 comments:
Male 125
"Hybrid Christians run on Truth and Love"
And since only about 5% of the Christians I know drive hybrids, the remaining 95% fall into these categories:
Run on Truth: They believe, but they do very hateful things. These are your Hypochrists. Love for all, except the gays, jews, atheists, chinese, muslim, mexicans, etc.
Run on love: Real nice people, but a little gullible. Still far preferable to the Truth only.
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Female 268
Christmas easier to spell than Hannukah.
(or however you spell it.) oh Jeez. I lost it then.
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Female 41

Rotfl.

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Male 327
^^^ no you are not
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Male 909
...I`M NOT REAL?!
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Male 320
Here is another good one!

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Male 320
Christmas, easier to spell than Hanukkah

lol

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Male 964
VikingGuy drank 9 bottles of gold-märzen, and he can still type. I think this proves that VikingGuy is God.
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Female 837

My Jesus is big. And looks like he`s carved out of butter, just like at the state fair.

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Female 140
santa may not have died for anyone, but last time i checked..
new iphone > flavorless wafer
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Male 12,138
^^ Amen, brother.
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Male 2,600
It didn`t even have to exactly say "you must repent to receive penitence," just so long as it was unambiguous. You provided a verse that spoke of cleansing, but what does it mean to be made clean? You quoted a statement by the Catholic Church but that is *their* interpretation. And what verses did they extract that from? Besides, I don`t feel the Catholic Church is responsible for telling me how I am to get into heaven, even if I believed in it.

Don`t be naïve, I don`t need it `word for word`, just something close that says I must genuinely feel remorse in order to get into heaven. If you cannot find it in the Bible, it simply turns into any number of quaint and righteous things Christians would like to believe their religion stands for.

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Male 7,933
"No, but right now I`m kinda wishing I was. I was quoting myself from another thread where I had claimed Jesus was a Get-Out-of-Jail-Free-Card, a notion that was hotly contested by primetimekin. I say `hotly contested` but the truth of the matter is that he couldn`t satisfactorily refute my claim."

You mean the one where I gave you an example but because it did not say "you must repent to receive penitence" exactly word for word you dismissed it?

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Female 2,228
I said that too in a previous flamewar, that`s why I mentioned it! :)
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Female 375
lol. those were funny. some were kinda stupid though
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Male 2,600
"Are you quoting me? *Is flattered*"

No, but right now I`m kinda wishing I was. I was quoting myself from another thread where I had claimed Jesus was a Get-Out-of-Jail-Free-Card, a notion that was hotly contested by primetimekin. I say `hotly contested` but the truth of the matter is that he couldn`t satisfactorily refute my claim.

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Male 1,140
..... ah......... nope nothing
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Male 180
how big is ur jesus lolololololol
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Female 1,407
None inspired me to a religious experience. Guess I`ll skip this Sunday....
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Female 498
hehe they made me laugh
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Female 731
do
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Female 731
you
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Female 731
do
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Female 731
what
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Female 731
*rubs hands* "to the point" yes, the point being that the imaginary boogyman will mouthrape you for eternity? tell, me, when you talk to your sock drawer, What does it say?
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Female 1,412
Wooahh! The last one actually made me think inside my head `wooahhhwwwwwy`. Smartarses. Also I want to be a Christianairee! Well not exactly but omg haha. So creative and religousy :)
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Male 77
A lot of these were faked, you can Google a sign generator and make your own.
Having said that there is a large white sign on I65 heading into Montgomery, Alabama that has been there for years. It simply says in large letters "GO TO CHURCH OR THE DEVIL WILL GET YOU".
not the funniest, but pretty much to the point.
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Female 731
yeah, anyone wants me to logically rape them, come along, form an orderly line.
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Female 731
Hi everyone, nice to see you, well, "all" again. Shut up.
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Male 2,160
take a look at me and think for a sec if i´d mean it serious silly one, and school i went to was a joint US/German venture, we worked it out as a complete joke to define the worst nightmare of our propaganda pushing teachers(mostly US, the german ones where incredibly incompetent and underpaid and lest didnt do anything at all work wise.)
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Male 12,138
Still here, Zira.
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Female 2,228
Ummm...Davy...Overman? I wasnt trying to scare anyone away. :)
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Male 1,404
Yummy sacred cow! They should have advertised a BBQ.
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Female 110
"Burning our women and raping our churches!"

...I love you.

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Male 12,138
"dunno about all you people but a few years back when i was still in my last year of school, we worked out what the devil was:
a black, gay, communist jew."

Viking, I wouldn`t normally be alarmed at such a throw-away statement, were you not German.

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Female 2,228
I kinda lked the eye, wasnt that from the movie
The Bell and the Butterfly or something like that? It`s a foreign film.
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Female 2,228
Pluralism abandons the zero sum view of religious truth attempting to account for the world in such a way that many different truth claims may be simaltaneously true. Pluralism says there are indeed other religions that provide saving truths and values to their adherents. There is no good reason to think that any one faith has a monopoly on truth, there seem to be elements of truth in various traditions. Pluralism just means no one religion has the whole story. Does this mean that all religions are equally false? The absolutist might object to his tradition losing its pure veridicality under this hypothesis, but just b/c another tradition might be sensitive to a truth not emphasized in one`s own, this doesn`t mean that one`s own tradition is false even in part.
(looking up things tires me out *pant pant*)
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Male 12,138
^^ Just thinking Davymid (you changed your pic?)

Yep, current pic is actually me. Previous Sauron-esque all-seeing eye was a random google image which seemed cool at the time.

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Male 982
The last one is in my town....woah
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Female 2,228
Inclusivism is an attempt to define other religions through the lens of your own particular tradition. The inclusivist considers conversion unnecessary for those who hold different but sufficently similiar views. So an inclusivist catholic would consider muslims as "annonomyous christians" b/c this is still a religious absolutist position and there can be no other way to deity than their own. It`s like when Colbert says "I believe there are infinate ways to accepting Jesus as your personal savior!"
The major problems with this position occur B/c one religion has tried to define out the fact that (for example)Hinduism is NOT another version of christianity, It is in fact a completely distinct tradition, with completely distinct beliefs that cannot be defined in terms of christianity. It denies the legitimacy of other religions as other religions.
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Male 1,584
I have a great wkuk refference i wanna make... but since IAB was plastered with every wkuk sketch ever it will no longer be fun because everybody will get it rather than just a few people, thus ruining the funniness of my refference.
like that time a long time ago some video of some kids doing something stupid was posted and some one said "you cant do that!" and i said "uh huh! my parents are dead!" and it was great because only about 2 people got it.....
anyway i`m gonna make it anyway now.

Burning our women and raping our churches!

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Male 2,160
i dunno about all you people but a few years back when i was still in my last year of school, we worked out what the devil was:
a black, gay, communist jew.
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Female 2,228
Exclusivism claims there is one way to the Truth, there is no other way to deity, except theirs. They claim the only true praxis (rituals) sotierology (theories of salvation) and ultimate focus of worship. Exclusivism has a couple problems however, even if there was only one way, which way is it? There are a host of traditions that claim to be THE TRUTH. There is just no way to proove that one or the other is the ONLY way based on what the practitioners say.
This zero sum approach to truth is loved by fundies.
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Female 2,228
Just thinking Davymid (you changed your pic?) actually there are three main philosophical responces to religious diversity, exclusivism, inclusivism, and pluralism. (give me a moment I`ll go through them.)

@ Overman: Are you quoting me? *Is flattered*

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Male 3,819
The church down the street from me always has some classics. My all time favorite was "You can`t stop, drop, and roll in Hell"
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Male 12,138
I am so deep in sarcasm right now I`m having trouble breathing.
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Male 12,138
^^ "what is it with churches making nasty comments about gays and other religions. I mean..... come on, seriously."

Shoot, yeah, I forgot about the gays. They`re a tricky group. Depends if you like the sound of OT Leviticus 20:13 (If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They must be put to death) and the NT Gospel of Matthew 5:17 (Do not think that I came to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I did not come to abolish but to fulfill). Fred Phelps at Westboro Baptist Church likes these ones, a lot.

If on the other hand you brush these slightly embarrassing verses under the carpet, and pick out the nice bits about love and humanity and sh*t, then the gays are a-ok.

But then, you know what, God will decide on the fate of the homos. Hell will be pretty full anyway, with all the hindus, muslims, buddhists, and sh*t, so he might just cut them a break.

Who are we to know the mind of God?

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Female 34
So

Idont exist...
Nice.

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Female 126
what is it with churches making nasty comments about gays and other religions. I mean..... come on, seriously.
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Female 662
I really liked the last one! Hahah.
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Male 4,393
"a loose tongue often gets into a tight place"
O.o............
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Male 2,593
What`s wrong with getting drunk on IAB?
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Male 2,160
hello 9th bottle of gold-märzen...
and if he´s studying to be a minister warn him that little boys are illegal when he warns ye of the non existant horrors of being a heretic.
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Male 891
"Man, given the future outlook, I`m glad I don`t exist..."

this statement wins.

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Male 12,138
^^ "BTW, if atheists don`t exist, what about us Buddhists?"

Nah, the Buddhists exist all right. You guys are just going to burn in hell being raped by demons for all eternity, along with all the Muslims, Hindus, Zoroastrians, Shintoists, Pagans, and traditional Chinese animists. Jews, Catholics and other slightly different flavours of Protestant are a bit of grey zone, but at least they`re in with a fighting chance.

Man, given the future outlook, I`m glad I don`t exist...

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Female 368
simply wonderful, some i didnt get, but im laughing...

which IZ something to get excited about

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Male 2,160
i get drunk because i can...what better reason is there? and ya, english is my secondary.
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Female 444
I have a cousin studying to be a minister. Maybe I should warn him about the horrors of bad signage whenever he warns me of the horrors of being a nonbeliever?

BTW, if atheists don`t exist, what about us Buddhists?

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Female 541
haha the whats missing ch _ _ ch was actually on a church near my house once.
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Male 336
"Tired of being a loser. Turn to God"

haahahah

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Male 12,138
^^ "my god. the wonders of vikingguy never cease. it is figment, not pigment."

To be fair dilldog, Viking`s German. I assume english is his second (third?) language- I think he does pretty good... Sorry Viking if that sounded patronising...

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Male 82
VikingGuy - Why are u getting drunk on iab?
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Male 891
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Male 2,160
garr, you try typing after your 8th bottle of dark beer
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Male 432

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Male 891
patthebaker - we should start a club.

we`ll call it "the nonexistent club for people that don`t exist"

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Male 12,138

Who ever said evangelical christians are mental defectives?

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Male 1,853
my god. the wonders of vikingguy never cease. it is figment, not pigment.
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Male 891
blast. damn imdb and their randomly generated picture links...
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Male 11,740
A couple of them were clever, some were very perverted. Two of them blew me away because of the political messages. Those should never happen. It was clear that one was in the South, they probably both were.
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Male 2,600
"Jesus Your get out of jail free card"

No kidding.

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Male 1,766
So i dont exist?
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Male 2,160
no maddog...your a pigment of your own cursed imagination...
and i would be too...garr that sign has made me think while drunk.
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Female 1,470
eh some were funny
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Male 3,369

Epic fail. I`m very real..I assure you!

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Female 15,763
Why yes, yes I do smell like Jesus.
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Female 738
I got bored 1/3 of the way through these...
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Male 2,160
arrr...if your picture´d be workin i might declared you the winner, but it be broken, so nah, ye lose mightily.
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Male 891
"what is missing from ch ch?"

uh...

do i win?

(that`s cheech marin, for the uninformed)

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Male 12,138
Boredom relieved. Mission accomplished.
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Male 2,160
*proceeds to chug ale and waits for a religious flamewar to errupt in here*
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Female 2,927
i like the god doesnt believe in atheiests so they dont exist one. lol
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Female 122
o-o Whats with the "sleeping with your mother" one...thats creepy.
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Male 2,160
churches serve exactly 2 purposes in my book:
1) something to pillage
2) something to burn
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Female 182
I actually really liked the Google one.
better than my church, which has stuff like "Eat, sleep, church, merry, 10:30."

Yeah. Okay...

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Male 62
uhhh is this photoshopped or are these signboards build in such a way that they could be photoshopped? lol
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Male 2,788
God does not believe in atheists

Therefore, atheists do not exist.

HAHAHAHAH! Wow.

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Female 316
is sleeping with one`s mother a big problem in some states?

i`ll say it again: praise be to suzumiya haruhi!

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Male 2,788
what is missing from Ch_ _ch?


U R.

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Male 215
Some clever, others just... wow.
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Male 166
Yes, some are clever. The problem with religions is that instead of being happy with their own lot, they want people to join. However, joining means obeying their rules. A bit of a pickle, you see.
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Male 2,395
The last one is really clever.... some were too.
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Female 157
Some were clever. =]
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Female 1,944
"A 4 inch toungue can bring a 6 foot man to his knees"....
what were they thinking?
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Male 60
Buhaha Santa never died for anyone...
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Male 13
Link: 34 Church Signs That Won’t Make You Go To Church [Rate Link] - This is why the church is experiencing such huge drop-off numbers.
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