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Rating: 3.9
Category: Funny
Date: 08/06/08 03:32 PM

98 Responses to 34 Church Signs That Won’t Make You Go To Church

  1. Profile photo of rycanto
    rycanto Male 18-29
    13 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 3:06 pm
    Link: 34 Church Signs That Won’t Make You Go To Church - This is why the church is experiencing such huge drop-off numbers.
  2. Profile photo of LittleAce
    LittleAce Male 13-17
    60 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 3:37 pm
    Buhaha Santa never died for anyone...
  3. Profile photo of misscutieroo
    misscutieroo Female 18-29
    1944 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 3:38 pm
    "A 4 inch toungue can bring a 6 foot man to his knees"....
    what were they thinking?
  4. Profile photo of WTFGirl
    WTFGirl Female 13-17
    157 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 3:41 pm
    Some were clever. =]
  5. Profile photo of luckyse7en
    luckyse7en Male 13-17
    2397 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 3:44 pm
    The last one is really clever.... some were too.
  6. Profile photo of TGPZarquon
    TGPZarquon Male 30-39
    166 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 3:46 pm
    Yes, some are clever. The problem with religions is that instead of being happy with their own lot, they want people to join. However, joining means obeying their rules. A bit of a pickle, you see.
  7. Profile photo of theguy91
    theguy91 Male 18-29
    215 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 3:46 pm
    Some clever, others just... wow.
  8. Profile photo of deathxtra
    deathxtra Male 13-17
    2791 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 3:49 pm
    what is missing from Ch_ _ch?


    U R.

  9. Profile photo of Seak
    Seak Male 18-29
    1503 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 3:49 pm
    Some where very good.
  10. Profile photo of NYAAN
    NYAAN Female 13-17
    316 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 3:50 pm
    is sleeping with one`s mother a big problem in some states?

    i`ll say it again: praise be to suzumiya haruhi!

  11. Profile photo of deathxtra
    deathxtra Male 13-17
    2791 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 3:50 pm
    God does not believe in atheists

    Therefore, atheists do not exist.

    HAHAHAHAH! Wow.

  12. Profile photo of Maestro88
    Maestro88 Male 18-29
    62 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 3:52 pm
    uhhh is this photoshopped or are these signboards build in such a way that they could be photoshopped? lol
  13. Profile photo of amandalea
    amandalea Female 13-17
    182 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 3:53 pm
    I actually really liked the Google one.
    better than my church, which has stuff like "Eat, sleep, church, merry, 10:30."

    Yeah. Okay...

  14. Profile photo of VikingGuy
    VikingGuy Male 18-29
    2160 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 3:56 pm
    churches serve exactly 2 purposes in my book:
    1) something to pillage
    2) something to burn
  15. Profile photo of kaechan
    kaechan Female 18-29
    122 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 3:57 pm
    o-o Whats with the "sleeping with your mother" one...thats creepy.
  16. Profile photo of jinxiejae
    jinxiejae Female 30-39
    2927 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 3:58 pm
    i like the god doesnt believe in atheiests so they dont exist one. lol
  17. Profile photo of VikingGuy
    VikingGuy Male 18-29
    2160 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 4:01 pm
    *proceeds to chug ale and waits for a religious flamewar to errupt in here*
  18. Profile photo of davymid
    davymid Male 30-39
    12140 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 4:03 pm
    Boredom relieved. Mission accomplished.
  19. Profile photo of duckinfuh
    duckinfuh Male 18-29
    891 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 4:11 pm
    "what is missing from ch ch?"

    uh...

    do i win?

    (that`s cheech marin, for the uninformed)

  20. Profile photo of VikingGuy
    VikingGuy Male 18-29
    2160 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 4:13 pm
    arrr...if your picture´d be workin i might declared you the winner, but it be broken, so nah, ye lose mightily.
  21. Profile photo of astridhaze
    astridhaze Female 18-29
    738 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 4:14 pm
    I got bored 1/3 of the way through these...
  22. Profile photo of opiebreath
    opiebreath Female 18-29
    15774 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 4:14 pm
    Why yes, yes I do smell like Jesus.
  23. Profile photo of The_Maddog
    The_Maddog Male 30-39
    3369 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 4:14 pm

    Epic fail. I`m very real..I assure you!

  24. Profile photo of shiggin
    shiggin Female 13-17
    1470 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 4:15 pm
    eh some were funny
  25. Profile photo of VikingGuy
    VikingGuy Male 18-29
    2160 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 4:17 pm
    no maddog...your a pigment of your own cursed imagination...
    and i would be too...garr that sign has made me think while drunk.
  26. Profile photo of patthebaker
    patthebaker Male 18-29
    1768 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 4:22 pm
    So i dont exist?
  27. Profile photo of Overmann
    Overmann Male 18-29
    2600 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 4:24 pm
    "Jesus Your get out of jail free card"

    No kidding.

  28. Profile photo of freddyferret
    freddyferret Male 40-49
    11741 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 4:26 pm
    A couple of them were clever, some were very perverted. Two of them blew me away because of the political messages. Those should never happen. It was clear that one was in the South, they probably both were.
  29. Profile photo of duckinfuh
    duckinfuh Male 18-29
    891 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 4:28 pm
    blast. damn imdb and their randomly generated picture links...
  30. Profile photo of dilldog123
    dilldog123 Male 18-29
    1856 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 4:29 pm
    my god. the wonders of vikingguy never cease. it is figment, not pigment.
  31. Profile photo of davymid
    davymid Male 30-39
    12140 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 4:29 pm

    Who ever said evangelical christians are mental defectives?

  32. Profile photo of duckinfuh
    duckinfuh Male 18-29
    891 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 4:29 pm
    patthebaker - we should start a club.

    we`ll call it "the nonexistent club for people that don`t exist"

  33. Profile photo of Abacab2112
    Abacab2112 Male 18-29
    433 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 4:32 pm

  34. Profile photo of VikingGuy
    VikingGuy Male 18-29
    2160 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 4:33 pm
    garr, you try typing after your 8th bottle of dark beer
  35. Profile photo of duckinfuh
    duckinfuh Male 18-29
    891 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 4:34 pm
  36. Profile photo of leslie9800
    leslie9800 Male 13-17
    82 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 4:34 pm
    VikingGuy - Why are u getting drunk on iab?
  37. Profile photo of davymid
    davymid Male 30-39
    12140 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 4:35 pm
    ^^ "my god. the wonders of vikingguy never cease. it is figment, not pigment."

    To be fair dilldog, Viking`s German. I assume english is his second (third?) language- I think he does pretty good... Sorry Viking if that sounded patronising...

  38. Profile photo of mjfoxman
    mjfoxman Male 18-29
    336 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 4:38 pm
    "Tired of being a loser. Turn to God"

    haahahah

  39. Profile photo of theHUSHSOUND
    theHUSHSOUND Female 13-17
    541 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 4:40 pm
    haha the whats missing ch _ _ ch was actually on a church near my house once.
  40. Profile photo of NicoNico
    NicoNico Female 18-29
    444 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 4:48 pm
    I have a cousin studying to be a minister. Maybe I should warn him about the horrors of bad signage whenever he warns me of the horrors of being a nonbeliever?

    BTW, if atheists don`t exist, what about us Buddhists?

  41. Profile photo of VikingGuy
    VikingGuy Male 18-29
    2160 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 4:50 pm
    i get drunk because i can...what better reason is there? and ya, english is my secondary.
  42. Profile photo of HorsesRule
    HorsesRule Female 13-17
    368 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 4:52 pm
    simply wonderful, some i didnt get, but im laughing...

    which IZ something to get excited about

  43. Profile photo of davymid
    davymid Male 30-39
    12140 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 4:53 pm
    ^^ "BTW, if atheists don`t exist, what about us Buddhists?"

    Nah, the Buddhists exist all right. You guys are just going to burn in hell being raped by demons for all eternity, along with all the Muslims, Hindus, Zoroastrians, Shintoists, Pagans, and traditional Chinese animists. Jews, Catholics and other slightly different flavours of Protestant are a bit of grey zone, but at least they`re in with a fighting chance.

    Man, given the future outlook, I`m glad I don`t exist...

  44. Profile photo of duckinfuh
    duckinfuh Male 18-29
    891 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 4:54 pm
    "Man, given the future outlook, I`m glad I don`t exist..."

    this statement wins.

  45. Profile photo of VikingGuy
    VikingGuy Male 18-29
    2160 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 4:55 pm
    hello 9th bottle of gold-märzen...
    and if he´s studying to be a minister warn him that little boys are illegal when he warns ye of the non existant horrors of being a heretic.
  46. Profile photo of techgeek07
    techgeek07 Male 30-39
    2593 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 4:56 pm
    What`s wrong with getting drunk on IAB?
  47. Profile photo of WHOISIT12345
    WHOISIT12345 Male 18-29
    4394 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 5:00 pm
    "a loose tongue often gets into a tight place"
    O.o............
  48. Profile photo of ilovetristan
    ilovetristan Female 18-29
    662 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 5:14 pm
    I really liked the last one! Hahah.
  49. Profile photo of Tieagra
    Tieagra Female 18-29
    126 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 5:19 pm
    what is it with churches making nasty comments about gays and other religions. I mean..... come on, seriously.
  50. Profile photo of KaosBoom
    KaosBoom Female 13-17
    34 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 5:26 pm
    So

    Idont exist...
    Nice.

  51. Profile photo of davymid
    davymid Male 30-39
    12140 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 5:37 pm
    ^^ "what is it with churches making nasty comments about gays and other religions. I mean..... come on, seriously."

    Shoot, yeah, I forgot about the gays. They`re a tricky group. Depends if you like the sound of OT Leviticus 20:13 (If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They must be put to death) and the NT Gospel of Matthew 5:17 (Do not think that I came to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I did not come to abolish but to fulfill). Fred Phelps at Westboro Baptist Church likes these ones, a lot.

    If on the other hand you brush these slightly embarrassing verses under the carpet, and pick out the nice bits about love and humanity and sh*t, then the gays are a-ok.

    But then, you know what, God will decide on the fate of the homos. Hell will be pretty full anyway, with all the hindus, muslims, buddhists, and sh*t, so he might just cut them a break.

    Who are we to know the mind of God?

  52. Profile photo of davymid
    davymid Male 30-39
    12140 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 5:38 pm
    I am so deep in sarcasm right now I`m having trouble breathing.
  53. Profile photo of peloos12
    peloos12 Male 18-29
    3822 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 5:44 pm
    The church down the street from me always has some classics. My all time favorite was "You can`t stop, drop, and roll in Hell"
  54. Profile photo of QueenZira
    QueenZira Female 18-29
    2228 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 5:49 pm
    Just thinking Davymid (you changed your pic?) actually there are three main philosophical responces to religious diversity, exclusivism, inclusivism, and pluralism. (give me a moment I`ll go through them.)

    @ Overman: Are you quoting me? *Is flattered*

  55. Profile photo of QueenZira
    QueenZira Female 18-29
    2228 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 5:58 pm
    Exclusivism claims there is one way to the Truth, there is no other way to deity, except theirs. They claim the only true praxis (rituals) sotierology (theories of salvation) and ultimate focus of worship. Exclusivism has a couple problems however, even if there was only one way, which way is it? There are a host of traditions that claim to be THE TRUTH. There is just no way to proove that one or the other is the ONLY way based on what the practitioners say.
    This zero sum approach to truth is loved by fundies.
  56. Profile photo of VikingGuy
    VikingGuy Male 18-29
    2160 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 6:08 pm
    i dunno about all you people but a few years back when i was still in my last year of school, we worked out what the devil was:
    a black, gay, communist jew.
  57. Profile photo of CaptainPat
    CaptainPat Male 18-29
    1584 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 6:10 pm
    I have a great wkuk refference i wanna make... but since IAB was plastered with every wkuk sketch ever it will no longer be fun because everybody will get it rather than just a few people, thus ruining the funniness of my refference.
    like that time a long time ago some video of some kids doing something stupid was posted and some one said "you cant do that!" and i said "uh huh! my parents are dead!" and it was great because only about 2 people got it.....
    anyway i`m gonna make it anyway now.

    Burning our women and raping our churches!

  58. Profile photo of QueenZira
    QueenZira Female 18-29
    2228 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 6:10 pm
    Inclusivism is an attempt to define other religions through the lens of your own particular tradition. The inclusivist considers conversion unnecessary for those who hold different but sufficently similiar views. So an inclusivist catholic would consider muslims as "annonomyous christians" b/c this is still a religious absolutist position and there can be no other way to deity than their own. It`s like when Colbert says "I believe there are infinate ways to accepting Jesus as your personal savior!"
    The major problems with this position occur B/c one religion has tried to define out the fact that (for example)Hinduism is NOT another version of christianity, It is in fact a completely distinct tradition, with completely distinct beliefs that cannot be defined in terms of christianity. It denies the legitimacy of other religions as other religions.
  59. Profile photo of bwahbwah
    bwahbwah Male 13-17
    982 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 6:22 pm
    The last one is in my town....woah
  60. Profile photo of davymid
    davymid Male 30-39
    12140 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 6:23 pm
    ^^ Just thinking Davymid (you changed your pic?)

    Yep, current pic is actually me. Previous Sauron-esque all-seeing eye was a random google image which seemed cool at the time.

  61. Profile photo of QueenZira
    QueenZira Female 18-29
    2228 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 6:24 pm
    Pluralism abandons the zero sum view of religious truth attempting to account for the world in such a way that many different truth claims may be simaltaneously true. Pluralism says there are indeed other religions that provide saving truths and values to their adherents. There is no good reason to think that any one faith has a monopoly on truth, there seem to be elements of truth in various traditions. Pluralism just means no one religion has the whole story. Does this mean that all religions are equally false? The absolutist might object to his tradition losing its pure veridicality under this hypothesis, but just b/c another tradition might be sensitive to a truth not emphasized in one`s own, this doesn`t mean that one`s own tradition is false even in part.
    (looking up things tires me out *pant pant*)
  62. Profile photo of QueenZira
    QueenZira Female 18-29
    2228 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 6:26 pm
    I kinda lked the eye, wasnt that from the movie
    The Bell and the Butterfly or something like that? It`s a foreign film.
  63. Profile photo of davymid
    davymid Male 30-39
    12140 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 6:29 pm
    "dunno about all you people but a few years back when i was still in my last year of school, we worked out what the devil was:
    a black, gay, communist jew."

    Viking, I wouldn`t normally be alarmed at such a throw-away statement, were you not German.

  64. Profile photo of d27and
    d27and Female 13-17
    110 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 6:33 pm
    "Burning our women and raping our churches!"

    ...I love you.

  65. Profile photo of Neagle
    Neagle Male 30-39
    1405 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 6:41 pm
    Yummy sacred cow! They should have advertised a BBQ.
  66. Profile photo of QueenZira
    QueenZira Female 18-29
    2228 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 6:43 pm
    Ummm...Davy...Overman? I wasnt trying to scare anyone away. :)
  67. Profile photo of davymid
    davymid Male 30-39
    12140 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 6:45 pm
    Still here, Zira.
  68. Profile photo of VikingGuy
    VikingGuy Male 18-29
    2160 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 6:48 pm
    take a look at me and think for a sec if i´d mean it serious silly one, and school i went to was a joint US/German venture, we worked it out as a complete joke to define the worst nightmare of our propaganda pushing teachers(mostly US, the german ones where incredibly incompetent and underpaid and lest didnt do anything at all work wise.)
  69. Profile photo of staberind
    staberind Female 18-29
    731 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 7:23 pm
    Hi everyone, nice to see you, well, "all" again. Shut up.
  70. Profile photo of staberind
    staberind Female 18-29
    731 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 7:27 pm
    yeah, anyone wants me to logically rape them, come along, form an orderly line.
  71. Profile photo of cobra240
    cobra240 Male 30-39
    77 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 7:34 pm
    A lot of these were faked, you can Google a sign generator and make your own.
    Having said that there is a large white sign on I65 heading into Montgomery, Alabama that has been there for years. It simply says in large letters "GO TO CHURCH OR THE DEVIL WILL GET YOU".
    not the funniest, but pretty much to the point.
  72. Profile photo of GummyWurmz
    GummyWurmz Female 13-17
    1412 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 7:37 pm
    Wooahh! The last one actually made me think inside my head `wooahhhwwwwwy`. Smartarses. Also I want to be a Christianairee! Well not exactly but omg haha. So creative and religousy :)
  73. Profile photo of staberind
    staberind Female 18-29
    731 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 7:45 pm
    *rubs hands* "to the point" yes, the point being that the imaginary boogyman will mouthrape you for eternity? tell, me, when you talk to your sock drawer, What does it say?
  74. Profile photo of staberind
    staberind Female 18-29
    731 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 7:49 pm
    what
  75. Profile photo of staberind
    staberind Female 18-29
    731 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 7:49 pm
    do
  76. Profile photo of staberind
    staberind Female 18-29
    731 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 7:49 pm
    you
  77. Profile photo of staberind
    staberind Female 18-29
    731 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 7:50 pm
    do
  78. Profile photo of 3justme3
    3justme3 Female 18-29
    498 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 7:51 pm
    hehe they made me laugh
  79. Profile photo of swtdreams285
    swtdreams285 Female 18-29
    1408 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 8:13 pm
    None inspired me to a religious experience. Guess I`ll skip this Sunday....
  80. Profile photo of Alexcools
    Alexcools Male 13-17
    180 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 8:47 pm
    how big is ur jesus lolololololol
  81. Profile photo of eggsnham
    eggsnham Male 13-17
    1140 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 9:00 pm
    ..... ah......... nope nothing
  82. Profile photo of Overmann
    Overmann Male 18-29
    2600 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 10:00 pm
    "Are you quoting me? *Is flattered*"

    No, but right now I`m kinda wishing I was. I was quoting myself from another thread where I had claimed Jesus was a Get-Out-of-Jail-Free-Card, a notion that was hotly contested by primetimekin. I say `hotly contested` but the truth of the matter is that he couldn`t satisfactorily refute my claim.

  83. Profile photo of eeeriddler08
    eeeriddler08 Female 13-17
    375 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 10:25 pm
    lol. those were funny. some were kinda stupid though
  84. Profile photo of QueenZira
    QueenZira Female 18-29
    2228 posts
    August 6, 2008 at 11:33 pm
    I said that too in a previous flamewar, that`s why I mentioned it! :)
  85. Profile photo of Mani-Jac
    Mani-Jac Male 40-49
    805 posts
    August 7, 2008 at 12:56 am
    Church Sign Generator
  86. Profile photo of primetimekin
    primetimekin Male 18-29
    7935 posts
    August 7, 2008 at 12:56 am
    "No, but right now I`m kinda wishing I was. I was quoting myself from another thread where I had claimed Jesus was a Get-Out-of-Jail-Free-Card, a notion that was hotly contested by primetimekin. I say `hotly contested` but the truth of the matter is that he couldn`t satisfactorily refute my claim."

    You mean the one where I gave you an example but because it did not say "you must repent to receive penitence" exactly word for word you dismissed it?

  87. Profile photo of Overmann
    Overmann Male 18-29
    2600 posts
    August 7, 2008 at 2:24 am
    It didn`t even have to exactly say "you must repent to receive penitence," just so long as it was unambiguous. You provided a verse that spoke of cleansing, but what does it mean to be made clean? You quoted a statement by the Catholic Church but that is *their* interpretation. And what verses did they extract that from? Besides, I don`t feel the Catholic Church is responsible for telling me how I am to get into heaven, even if I believed in it.

    Don`t be naïve, I don`t need it `word for word`, just something close that says I must genuinely feel remorse in order to get into heaven. If you cannot find it in the Bible, it simply turns into any number of quaint and righteous things Christians would like to believe their religion stands for.

  88. Profile photo of davymid
    davymid Male 30-39
    12140 posts
    August 7, 2008 at 3:16 am
    ^^ Amen, brother.
  89. Profile photo of starlasatur9
    starlasatur9 Female 18-29
    140 posts
    August 7, 2008 at 6:46 am
    santa may not have died for anyone, but last time i checked..
    new iphone > flavorless wafer
  90. Profile photo of AndelleRae
    AndelleRae Female 18-29
    837 posts
    August 7, 2008 at 6:50 am

    My Jesus is big. And looks like he`s carved out of butter, just like at the state fair.

  91. Profile photo of buttersrules
    buttersrules Male 40-49
    398 posts
    August 7, 2008 at 7:53 am
    VikingGuy drank 9 bottles of gold-märzen, and he can still type. I think this proves that VikingGuy is God.
  92. Profile photo of ToxicPunk
    ToxicPunk Male 13-17
    320 posts
    August 7, 2008 at 8:09 am
    Christmas, easier to spell than Hanukkah

    lol

  93. Profile photo of ToxicPunk
    ToxicPunk Male 13-17
    320 posts
    August 7, 2008 at 8:50 am
    Here is another good one!

  94. Profile photo of BasuraBlanca
    BasuraBlanca Male 18-29
    909 posts
    August 7, 2008 at 8:52 am
    ...I`M NOT REAL?!
  95. Profile photo of shivarama
    shivarama Male 13-17
    327 posts
    August 7, 2008 at 9:06 am
    ^^^ no you are not
  96. Profile photo of mtwoofwoof
    mtwoofwoof Female 18-29
    41 posts
    August 7, 2008 at 9:26 am

    Rotfl.

  97. Profile photo of BoredomSux98
    BoredomSux98 Female 18-29
    268 posts
    August 7, 2008 at 9:53 am
    Christmas easier to spell than Hannukah.
    (or however you spell it.) oh Jeez. I lost it then.
  98. Profile photo of NoGoodIdeas
    NoGoodIdeas Male 13-17
    125 posts
    August 7, 2008 at 5:17 pm
    "Hybrid Christians run on Truth and Love"
    And since only about 5% of the Christians I know drive hybrids, the remaining 95% fall into these categories:
    Run on Truth: They believe, but they do very hateful things. These are your Hypochrists. Love for all, except the gays, jews, atheists, chinese, muslim, mexicans, etc.
    Run on love: Real nice people, but a little gullible. Still far preferable to the Truth only.

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