Masturbation: The Horrible Disease

Submitted by: chrisfalcon 9 years ago in Funny

If this chart is true, all of I-A-B"s male readership is going to die off within a week.
There are 126 comments:
Male 909
I read in to it...

This story totally checks out.

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Male 2,422
I remember reading some where that people back the wanted to replace the letters M and W because they led inexorably to unclean urges...I might be wrong though.
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Male 169
well if masturbation makes you blind, that would explain why my vision sucks
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Male 211
That is why washing your hands before the play is always recommended.
The funny thing is that this is probably sponsored by the Holy Poopy Church of doom!
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Female 878
Wait, wait wait...
Does this apply to females as well?
I hope to he.ll not.
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Male 773
oh god oh god oh god oh god....
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Female 493
Well at least he got to rave before he died.
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Male 778
This actually strikes me hilarious, given the fact that this is showing those who masturbate die... yet science has shown that masturbating (for men at least) reduces the risk of colon cancer.
Even better, are the symptoms shown are similar to those of someone going through Cancer therapy.
I think someone read the memo backwards!
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Male 559
You`d think the dude would have stopped before his hair fell out.
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Female 1,832
Wait, you die??
I thought your supposed to go blind, hmmmm.
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Male 10
i`m so gonna die
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Female 66
Gosh, I would have died at 7.
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Male 895
hmmm, I thin this is taken out of context ? LOL.
I thought it did the opposite?
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Male 10,440
Why am I not dead yet? Ohh thats right, because its all catholic bs. Thats why! Well... time to masturbate.
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Female 102
Huh. I never heard that it blinds you.. 0.o

well in any case, are we ALL GOING TO DIE?

(Face it. We`re human. :D)

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Male 575
So thats how I got sick *coughhackblooddeath*
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Male 498
Pooptart i like your pic lol
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Male 498
Uhhh Luckly this wont happen to me !!!

I never get the cold!

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Male 418
`Oh. no. i killed my dad`

o_o

do i want to know?

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Male 2,440
God & Jesus don`t approve of masturbation, but okay with priests touching little boys. Horray moral high ground!
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Female 39
Hmmm... orgasam does mean "little death" right....

So it`s true! You do die a little when you masturbate or have sex.

Personally, I`m amazed I`m not dead yet. I love double clicking my mouse.

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Male 4,680
Reminded me of this video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SqaltviFD...

Should be safe for work.

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Female 66
lol they should have a girl chart right below it O_o

;-)

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Male 285
if masturbation won`t kill people, they will die laughing from reading this bullsh*t chart
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Male 592
I`m having a little trouble reading the post. the font is a little small. Anyway, masturbation doesnt cause death or hairy palms or even blindne... oh wait.
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Male 396
wow well know i know that im going to die from jacking off great
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Female 268
Too bad for men...

haw haw!

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Male 35
Oh. no. i killed my dad
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Female 471
Wow. He must have choked that chicken a little too hard.
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Female 66
what the eff?! that is mean! haha
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Female 4,028
So much for hairy palms. Oh no, those were the lucky ones!
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Male 46
dont laugh at how primitive this is, today the government still does the same but instead of masturbating its marijuana
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Female 173
Well, just goes to show how convenient it is to be female then :3.
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Male 413
i found it very interesting that this guy died just because he masturbated. very extream deterant.....NOT. it wont stop me
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Female 89
No I think that means that us girls are safe.
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Female 1,211
What the f*ck?!
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Male 848
there goes half of the world...i guess 2012 is correct.
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Male 170
Kinda scary how much power the church had back then.

Anyway, brb.. i need to test this one.

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Female 377
-fap fap fap cough cough fap fap cough fap fap fap-
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Female 16
Sorry guys, I guess you`re all DOOMED!!!! }-)

Well I guess the hairy palms things was all just a crock of bull. This is much better!

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Male 9,305
"not to sound rude but what about the females who dont have sex to save there virginity? i mean i think abstinites is a great thing for females especialy in my area who would be concider a slut if she slept around with a guy...
i mean i hate men who sleeps around with innocent women and yet they backfire them and call them nasty remark and then later on in life there looking for a virgin...it pisses me off."

Oh I know! It`s f-cked up! Totally unfair!

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Male 1,036
okay...........
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Female 657
Am I a freak for thinking this chart is really drating adorable?
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Female 123
...and yet he STILL keeps on masturbating.
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Female 53

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Male 161
fuz92-
"And what exactly happens to females when they do it??"

well you can ahve some fun too! XD

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Male 89
how hard was he masturbating?
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Male 358
firefliet: I did
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Male 358
Well poo, I should have been dead years ago by this chart
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Female 4
hmm... looks a bit like a jonas brother.
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Female 1,231
If I were male, I would fap to this just for the irony.
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Female 1,441
This was kind of funny because I read the French version on top and could understand most of it.

For those of you wondering where the female version is, I think this was written at a time where most people assumed women didnt pleasure themselves.

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Male 591
That`s what happens? I must be doing it wrong.
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Female 289
yay, we female self lovers are safe. W00t
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Male 580
Masturbation suicide. I wonder if it`s possible.
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Female 694
According to this, I should be already dead... and male.
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Female 290
BTW... they never mention female mastrubation - I bet all the little girls were going at it while their brothers were carefully watched.
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Female 700
wow.. peopel are so naive.. but some parents teach this sort of thing.. that masturbation is so bad.. my parents did... but a whole lot of good that did... lol ^_^
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Female 290
Hahahaha.... I bet they still show it to little, evangelical boys...
Hmmm... it serves me well...
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Male 1,013
Too funny.

Not surprising when in next door Italy, 200 years ealier, the italien clergy imprisoned Galileo for proving that the Earth rotated around the Sun. Which is in direct contradiction to the following verses:
Psalm 93:1, Psalm 96:10, 1 Chronicles 16:30, Psalm 104:5, and Ecclesiastes 1:5

Religion is funny-bad!

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Female 182
well, statistics have shown that 100% of people who masturbate eventually die.
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Female 289
ok! that just proves we all need to just get laid ever night.

first dieses from f{ }cking
now that! what has this world come too!

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Male 26
if this is true me and my son are gonna die
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Male 2,344
This chart came from a time of self dicipline, where it was propper to not pleasure ones self. Though this disease is merely to scare the young people out of bad habits, it could work and it should work. It is possible to have damage done in some sort by doing it ever so frequently, but that`s why you don`t. Again, this is fake, only to scare the inpatient teenagers.
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Male 418
NO! I`M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!
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Male 332
So that`s how Elvis died!
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Male 1,725
yup, sounds like us a lot.
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Male 1,109
i knew someone would refer back to that cancer thing.
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Male 7,933
Since when has IAB turned to WebMD
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Male 332
i hate it when "girls" post stupid comments you know the type (those annoying flirty comments that try to get attention) on site especially when its quite obvious the "girls" is a man.
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Male 612
i like the women that are concerned....that makes me want to masturbate....JUST KIDDING
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Male 904
It cant be too bad if its attatched to your body lol. "well looks like we`ve lost another one to masturbation"
-"but this man was stabbed to death"
"nope im pretty sure its masturbation"

LOL

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Female 1,407
I wasn`t surprised to find this at a private Catholic all-boys school nearly a decade ago....I was too young to realise its message then. Now it rings quite clear. ^_^~~
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Male 2,616
^ Maybe you should have thought about that before you were born a female.
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Female 2,289
God! The monthly cycle for me is sucking right now. :(
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Male 1,254
Symptoms are similar to those who practice sexual intercourse. Unfortunately, the disease usually manifests itself in the form of marriage, prolonging the misery of the victim for many a year.

In hindsight, we see that those who masturbate get off easy. (No pun intended)

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Male 36
I couldn`t read it, I`ve gone blind.
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Female 174
looks like my night is going to be BOORING.
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Female 4,197
Aww poor guy. It`s a good thing he never had sex then, I wonder how he would`ve died then!
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Male 762
Well in that case , i have no more plans after i`ve perused IAB now :(
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Male 2,616
What`s this post about? I was too busy to look at it.

Be right back, I have to vomit up some blood.

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Female 87
HAHAHAHHAHAHA!

Xerxes, man whores actually have sex. This was masturbation. :P

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Male 68
all the man-whores in the world should be dead now.
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Male 93
This actually reminds me of "The Gush" from the sketch show, Jam. It would probably be more plausible :P
Here it is on YouTube, scroll to 4:00 (graphic, nsfw)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-n_gHFWTi...
(And please notify me if I am breaking the rules)
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Male 68
Let me see, i`ve been semi-blind all my life, i can`t get fat because i eat normally, i can`t sleep because of my gaming sessions... I`m screwed.

This is what happens when you get Masturbation mixed up with Aids!

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Male 27
That means every necrophiliac that reads this article will die almost instantaneously.
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Male 63
So, it seems that over the years we`ve gone from:

Masturbation causes tuberculosis-ish death...
to
Masturbation causes blindness...
to
Msaturbation causes hairy palms...
to
Masturbation prevents cancer!

Ah, progress!

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Female 993
This changes my view on all of my peers and teachers that have a receding hair line.
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Male 37
and i thought it was hereditary lol.
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Female 1,134
@Nidonemo

not to sound rude but what about the females who dont have sex to save there virginity? i mean i think abstinites is a great thing for females especialy in my area who would be concider a slut if she slept around with a guy...

i mean i hate men who sleeps around with innocent women and yet they backfire them and call them nasty remark and then later on in life there looking for a virgin...it pisses me off.

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Male 2,395
Thats stupid I shudve died years ago then.
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Male 9,305
Masturbation would prevent this clap trap. People who are sexually frustrated tend to be grumpier and more pessimistic. Hence why everyone WHO DOESN`T GET ANY ATTENTION WHATSOEVER always wrote this sh_t...
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Male 522
Oh poo. I am so f|_|cked.
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Male 3,431
Meh, in France at that time, it was actually less work to get laid than it was to rub one out.
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Male 3,296
the only draw back to masturbation is that my right arm is more ripped than my left one
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Female 1,134
or the 19th century french people...
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Female 1,134
i wonder how the 16 century people feel about reading THIS article.
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Male 65
And I thought I had Yellow Fever.

That`s a load off.

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Male 10
lol, that is weird
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Male 105
poo... how long does it take for the symptoms to kick in?!!
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Male 1,766
17 i got a good 2 years
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Female 444
Huh. Certainly explains a lot.

Are there still people out there who believe masturbation will blind you? Just curious.

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Male 67
You can die if you masturbate? i masturbate so i WON`T die. it relieves stress and boredom.
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Male 5,970
So THATS what has been happening
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Male 258
...what did i tell you. IAB hates men
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Male 551
Thank God we got Marques de Sade
to end this kind of crap
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Male 246
why did it take the kid until 17 years old to masturbate
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Male 35
Whats wrong with the body going stiff? I always thought that was the point...
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Female 297
lol Vive la france!
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Female 15,763
Fuz, I have no idea what you`re talking about.

Women have no sexual libido.

We do have a SANDWICH libido... ;D

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Female 36
That explains a lot. . . lol
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Male 459
^^^

rofl

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Male 83
That explains all the blood I coughed up on my keyboard...
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Male 123
So.....apparently every disease ever is actually caused by masturbation. Well, looks like IAB just found a way to cure cancer. I`ll stick with what is apparently the best feeling suicide EVER!!
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Male 294
too tough to die and too proud to quit eh (:
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Male 294
*all iab males stop mid-wank* SH*T!
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Female 432
lmao and they probably believed it
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Male 459
we ALL are going to die.
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Male 111
this makes sense i know a good many taken out in there prime from MASTURBATION!!
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Male 220
It was writtin in 1844.
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Male 44
And what exactly happens to females when they do it??
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Female 6
Haha
why is it just the male readers?
im so gunna die
>.<
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Male 629
Still amazes me to think that at one time, everyone thought that masturbation and sex and all that stuff is evil or sinful or, in this case, deadly....
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Male 703
i don`t know this chart seems pretty real... and it couldn`t have been written but a year ago...
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Male 220
kinda creepy, since when is masturbation bad?
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Male 169
Link: Masturbation: The Horrible Disease [Rate Link] - If this chart is true, all of I-A-B`s male readership is going to die off within a week.
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