Worst Analogies Ever Written

Submitted by: mattjblythe1 10 years ago in
http://www.interweavers.com/brett/humor/analogies.html

Taken from high school essays.
There are 135 comments:
Male 703
how are these worst? clearly these are the best
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Male 562
I would totally use ones like these oO
If they`re accidental, then the writers are dumb. If they`re intentional, then the writers are brilliant.
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Male 63
some of those were actually really, really good analogies. but the others were quite hilarious.
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Male 4
link doesn`t work
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Male 47
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn`t.
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Male 564
Wooww!!! This was so funny! I was literally laughing so loud!
thanks to DDylan for providing the solution to the broken link at http://www.etni.org.il/farside/analogies.htm
Pass it on!
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Male 207
Well it seems more like they were intentionally made ridiculous and stupid, which actually makes them better.
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Male 98
the link didn`t work for me: get it here

http://www.etni.org.il/farside/analogies...

if it doesn`t for you either

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Male 444
The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. LoL
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Male 21
I write stuff like this all the time on midterms as a form of protest if the essay topic sucks. (referring to migrating geese as "avian angels", etc.)
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Male 13
My favorite "The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can."
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Female 19
i thought it said worst apologies ever written... i was expecting apology letters or something
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Male 46
lol
"The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease."
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Male 151
lol i feel the hacker one happened to me once... only once
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Female 2,927
i kinda like the bowling ball one.
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Female 217
"Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever."

Most of these are deliberately weird - I think they`re good.

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Male 543
Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/[email protected] but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/[email protected] by mistake

i totally get what he`s trying to say. spot on, spot on.

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Female 583
Russell Beland is pretty good at making the worst analogies...
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Female 1,264
terry pratchet does the BEST analogies
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Female 4
"Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever."

Too funny.

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Female 330
I don`t think they`re the worst... They actually make sense. THey`re brilliant and hilarious. IMO
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Female 348
LUVD EM ALL
ROFL
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Male 295
I couln`t stop lol... (that`s laughing out loud)
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Male 1,583
I went to my fridge and got a Dr Pepper just to see if the dot was on the can. It`s not. Wow those were hilarious its to hard to pick a favorite. Oh and Jeopardy has always been on at 7:00 here.
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Male 425
My computer has a synthesized voice; so, making it read some of those was pretty funny.

Especially "McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup."

I gotta see a video of that. You know, a bag of vegetable soup fall from that high. Which reminds me; has anyone posted the "David Letterman`s Top Ten Things to See Fall From 7 Stories" yet?

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Female 152
they are freaking genious
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Female 655
hahaha i luv em
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Female 351
i like the "second tall man" one, i thought that was pretty clever actually.
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Female 88
liamthebof: The night was as black as something that is white isnt

Haha cute.

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Female 27
It got me at "McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup."
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Male 1,149
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
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Female 140
he was as tall as a... six-foot-three-inch tree.
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Female 878
I laughed so hard I injurd myself.
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Male 21
lol..."Her beautiful hair glistened like nose hair after a sneeze"

LOLLERSKATES

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Male 106
The night was as black as something that is white isnt
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Male 106
The the night was a black as something that is very black.
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Female 655
LOVED THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Male 78
Russell Beland really owned that contest
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Female 920
Most were written by guys XD
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Female 152
these are great!!
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Male 2
*Best analogies ever written
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Female 797
Idiots!
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Male 1,386
Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/[email protected] but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/[email protected] by mistake. hahahahaha
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Female 29
I loved this one... And agreed!!

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you`re on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
-- Roy Ashley, Washington

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Male 556
Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like"Second Tall Man."
-- Russell Beland, Springfield

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
-- Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.

Priceless. I swear ive seen this list before somewhere though

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Female 670
Actually, some of these are pretty good... if you have any sense of humor, I mean.
:D
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Female 519
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
-- Jennifer Hart, Arlington
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan`s teeth.
-- Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.

Best ones. XD

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Female 419
Dr Zoid I laughed at that too!
The hacker one made me laugh the most.
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Male 354
Worst? Those are some of the best analogies I`ve ever seen!
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Female 110
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
I loved that one! :D
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Male 74
if i was a teacher and i saw this, i`d give an A
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Male 236
Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/[email protected] but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/[email protected] by mistake just...magical
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Male 1,263
LMFAO! XD
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Male 393
This is proper creative writing, a bit of imagination for a change. I`d read a book by Russel Belland of springfield.
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Male 2,703
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

the best one EVER!

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Male 366
it might have been funnier if it wasn`t the same 3-4 people writing them all.
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Male 957
These were all funny like that dumb fat kid pretty much everyone knows whose spit is always more white than yours, even if he Isn`t!

Oh and only primitive people watch Jeopardy at 7:30! I watch it at 7 o clock ONLY! If i were to move, that would be one of my main concerns, when Jeopardy would come on!

in southern california Jeopardy comes on right at 7! woohoo!

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Female 152
"Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
-- Jennifer Hart, Arlington"

Hehehe. :-D

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Female 492
Those were hilarious!
I liked the train one.
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Male 1,289
BWAAAAHAHAHAHAAHAHA that was great!
the jeopardy one was the greatest!
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Female 963
Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/[email protected] but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/[email protected] by mistake
-- Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills


ROFL :-D

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Male 217
Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/[email protected] but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/[email protected] by mistake
Bua HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
*Ahem* what?
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Male 1,066
"Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. "

LOL

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Male 1,866
Those are brilliant.
Those analagies are as smart as when you open up a pickle jar and then take a pickle and try to cut it but it smells bad.
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Male 23
It definatly sounds like some of these were MADE to be funny.
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Male 349
"The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn`t" whats wrong with that one? seems accurate to me.
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Male 2,307
Oh my God, this is a funny topic that Europeans and Americans can BOTH enjoy without mentioning that Europeans are tea sipping pussies.
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Female 422
hehe, clever but kinda old
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Female 29
its sooooo much funnier when you`re in high school
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Male 813
"The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
-- Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala." lol
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Male 1,364
The best was "He was as tall as a six foot three inch tree." hahahha
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Male 146
Haha those were really funny!
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Male 306
lol...one of my favorites is:
Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/[email protected] but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/[email protected] by mistake
-- Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills

lol..

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Male 1,383
"The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease." WTF?!?!?
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Male 144
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
that was pretty good
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Male 148
Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
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Male 148
I`ve found a new website to kill time with.

The love one is awesome.

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Male 158
#4 is the best XD
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Male 25
"...exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn`t.", or to quote the original as written by Douglas Adams, "...they hung in the air exactly the way bricks don`t." -Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy. Whadda rip.
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Female 2,552
Lmao yay funny stuff.
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Male 731
this is fantastic! i laughed all the way
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Female 266
Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."


I liked this one.

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Male 315
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn`t.

That`s actually pretty good.

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Male 27
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
-- Chuck Smith, Woodbridge

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
-- Russell Beland, Springfield

lmao

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Female 1,407
By reading this, I think my IQ dropped a couple of points :-P
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Male 280
Simply because it reminds you of something doesn`t mean it`s plagiarism. It`s even quite possible that the author in question has never heard of Douglas Adams in which case even if it was the exact same phrase it`s simply independent discovery of hilarity.

In other news, "Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever." Pure brilliance.

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Male 632
That one made me laugh.

"The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. "

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Male 988
as long as it was intentional, i think this one is really clever:

"Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever."

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Female 1,944
no i think these are funny and original!
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Female 218
The fact they were written sarcastically makes them less funny. It would be better if high school students actually wrote them
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Female 1,065
"From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you`re on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30."

-These kids are pure genius..

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Male 730
i love you neeley. that what i was going to say, it`s freaking plagerism! the analogy is: "the little boat floated across the pond much as a bowling ball would`nt". the douglas adams quote: "the ship hung in the sky much the same way bricks don`t."
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Male 8
Let`s try this again people.

As phreakphit pointed out already, these were not "taken from high school essays" but are from The Washington Post`s weekly humor contest from the Sunday Style section.

For those who figured that they were too cute / clever / (un)intentionally ironic - that`s why.

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Male 743
best thing on iab ever......
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Male 142
The bowling ball one reminds me of Douglas Adams...
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Female 155
[quote]On 1/28/2007 7:09:05 AM lolakitty72 wrote: The "second tall man" was best.[/quote]
I thought that one was actually good.
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Female 1,492
that my friend was bad
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Female 458
isnt this a repost?
oh well i liked this one the most

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

intentionally stupid im sure but HILARIOUS!!

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Male 330
"gone and unnoticed like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can".

Genius.

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Male 610
"The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn`t"\

LMAO!!

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Male 131
The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

well duh!

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Male 213
I think "Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever." is too amazing to be real. That is just hilarious. I can see someone putting that in a school assignment and the teacher not even getting mad - assuming he or she had a good sense of humor.
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Female 354
I love the one about the lovers racing towards eachother like freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:30 PM.
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Male 312
Yeah, like derangegingo said. LMFAO at that one!!! (while trying to imagine a hefty bag full of soup doing exactly that!)
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Male 78
"His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free" Is my favorite.
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Female 267
i dont know why but the one about the hefty bag made me crack up hahaha
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Male 1,217
hahaha, the "what kids think about love" one was a hell lot funnier XD (go to the archives, its first)
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Male 1,092
Things like this always crack me up. awesome.
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Female 1,228
" He was as tall as a 6 ft 3inch tree"
that just cracked me up for some reason, very funny!!
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Male 2,216
The way a bowling ball wouldnt, that one is fine, and witty. Russell Beland has a few entries there though.
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Female 1,972
The "second tall man" was best.
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Male 243
XD Haha, this is fantastic.
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Male 193
The first one already had me laughing, so did number 5...But I was most surprised to see that this thing has a rating of 4.0 that`s like...rare right?
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Female 458
Actually, yes, some of those are pretty good. Particularly for a humor essay. Even the hummingbird one could work if you added the right surrounding sentences. However, as a whole, it was pretty funny. :)
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Male 160
Love school essays
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Female 1,211
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
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Male 777
This post wilst forever remain upon this site`s Top Rated list.
So mote it be.

ooooOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmm

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Male 756
The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

ROFL!

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Female 155
"Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center."

Heh heh, I couldn`t stop laughing at that one.

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Female 679
Lol...

"her eyes were like two circles with dots in the center."

Lovin it lovin it

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Female 665
wow, glad to know that teachers are doing their job...
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Female 173
The ones I had to suffer through in that damn Honors Compostition course were much worse.
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Male 1,265
Some of those were intentionally ironic or lame, I`m sure.
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Male 591
yea, some of those were pretty good, don`t know why they are in the "worst" category.
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Male 810
i liked em.
McBride fell 12 stories and hit the ground like a hefty bag full of vegetable soup.
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Male 1,354
These are pretty funny.I especially liked "Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze"
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Male 4,246
Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."

That`s actually quite clever. Especially compared to the "six-foot three-inch tree."

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Male 98
These aren`t taken from high school essays. As the actual page says, it came out of a contest, and adults wrote them. It`s from the Washington Post, and their Style Invitational contest.
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Male 36
You have to admit, these are pretty creative
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Male 1,496
#3 Wins.
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Male 167
thiss is my second drrunk psost!"
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Male 2,576
I should thrown in a Few of my Ex GF`s 9Named Cathy Gagnon. Be my guest for whatever you want to do using that name) (I`m not resposible)

"My heart is a dark dungeon in a Dark castle with thick cold stone walls"

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Male 779
Lmao. I thought they where pretty funny.
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Female 250
HAHAHA! funny!
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Male 149
Link: Worst Analogies Ever Written [Rate Link] - Taken from high school essays.
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